La Bella Vita

Already?!

2012-01-25T21:58:00.003Z

Well today is the 25th of January and yet the constant whining or flailing over Valentine's Day has started.

I've never been into Valentine's Day - not because I'm usually single but because why oh why do you need a day set to remind the person you're dating that you're in love with them?! It's soft man - but now it's just another cruel reminder that Grandad's gone.

The sad part is I didn't even remember until I started seeing the posts everywhere. I know I've always treated it like any other day but now it's any other day that I lost my grandad on.

My question is, am I always going to see it like that?

What happens, say hypothetically, I finally do fall for someone that actually has a thing for Valentine's Day - trust me, I'd be that unfortunate - am I to expect them not to want to do anything because I lost my Grandad on that day when I was nineteen years old?

Holy shit, I don't even want to do anything on my birthdays any more because Grannie died the day before. I'm twenty-one this year and everyone is going to be expecting me to have a big shindig, a family get together or whatever but I won't want to. I'll be there wearing that brave smile while silently cursing them all for making me do it because, again, it's just another painful reminder that she's gone and it will be three whole years without her.

You move on, sure, but my mother still gets moody and sad when it's the anniversary of Nana's death and that was ten years ago! I'm sure if we were old enough to understand it back then then we'd be upset/moody to but... sigh.

I think what I'm really angry about is that it's nearly been a year and I still don't think it's hit me. I've not cried, I've not obviously missed him and I didn't even remember we're coming up to his year anniversary.

I suppose I should just see how I react on February 14th.

21st Wedding Anniversary

2012-01-24T00:33:00.003Z

Well today marks the twenty first anniversary of my parent's wedding. It's not until 12 o' clock but I've just spoke to them on the phone so I decided to come on here and ramble about how amazing it is that they've made it this far.

Obviously, they've had their troubles. Fights. Affairs. Illnesses. You name it, my parents have overcome it all and I'm kind of regretting all the years of hatred I felt towards them, all the angst I held towards them because despite my views on marriage, my parents have a good marriage.

I would even go as far as saying that they're still madly in love. Dad still hugs my mum from behind, they still insist on kissing in front of us despite the teenage years of telling them that it's gross and they still slow dance in the kitchen when they think no one is looking.

I'd be lying if I said that I thought they'd last this long. The amounts of time he threatened to leave or she told him to go... It's actually a surprise to the system to know that twenty one years was accomplished.

Grannie, god bless her soul, used to always joke that Mum deserved a medal for dealing with Dad because he'd always been the strong minded one out of her four children. She used to joke every anniversary that the medal got bigger and then when Dad's marriage became the only one out of all four kids to actually survive, she was speechless.

No matter how many times I screamed at my dad that I was never getting married because I could end up with a marriage like his, I want a marriage like theirs - if I ever get married. I want the kind of love where you know that nothing, and I genuinely mean nothing, can break it.

For a couple that met, got married, bought a house and a child in just over a year (a year and a week as Mum insists on saying whenever dad brings this up), they've beat the odds. Not many couples could do that today. It would end in a bitter divorce.

So here's to my parents and many more years to come!

This, That and the Other

2012-01-18T01:09:00.009Z

Well this is going to be more of a picture blog because on Sunday night we went out, we being the girls I lived with in first year and it was fantastic being with them again, to celebrate Kimmy's 21st birthday.

Kimmy, unfortunately, was pretty much wrecked and spent half the night in the toilet but once we got some water down her, she was fine. I still don't understand the concept of going out to get blind drunk. Bleugh. It's not fun at all.

So. I don't know if any of your are big CSI fans but as you've all probably guessed throughout following me for years that CSI has always been a huge part of my life. It was a TV show that I shared with my Grannie so it will always hold a special place in my heart because she used to film it for us to watch together the morning after because she was sleeping when it was on and... Everyone has one of those memories, right? Well the beautiful Marg Helgenberger has decided that after twelve years, twelve seasons and 250+ episodes that she's retiring. They've released the T.V trailer for it and it's one minute long but it makes me cry so much! Can you imagine what I'm going to be like when they air the real deal?!

My parents are the cutest things in the world, ever.

They rang me tonight and asked if I wanted them to buy me train tickets home because the girls all go on placement in two weeks time so I'm going to be alone for two months while they're all busy with work. Unfortunately, I've just applied for an additional course and I'm job hunting (taking my resolutions deadly serious this year!) so it would completely be a waste of time but it was extremely sweet of them to offer!

Insomnia has come back with vengeance. Sad thing is, I can actually feel how exhausted my body is and I'm actually pleading with myself to fall asleep but no matter what I do, I just end up lying in my bed staring at the ceiling with the frustration of knowing that I need to sleep or I'm going to go simply crazy! It's going to kill me.

Booking a weekend to London, hopefully, in April for one of my online friend's birthdays. It's going to be an exciting adventure if it happens... The nerves will settle in though that I won't be as shiny in real life as I am over the internet but they seem to love me so it doesn't matter, right? Oh God... It's going to kill me.

My Saturday Night

2012-01-15T16:47:00.004Z

Last night, I met up with one of my online friends for a meal. It was great. We had a good giggle, talked about our writing and favourite TV shows as well as our families. She brought along a friend and he was a giggle too. So it shows that sometimes taking the risk is totally worth it.

Once I'd finished with these guys at the restaurant, I went to my friend's house because she was throwing a party. I'd stopped drinking by half past ten because I knew that I needed to take it slow as I also have a 21st birthday part tonight so I didn't want to be plootered. I got there and everyone was wrecked, including my lovely ex-flatmate James. It was a good laugh and eventually James, Shonar and I walked from her house to the 24 hour shop so they could buy smokes before walking back to the halls where James and I live because Shonar has a crush on James and was kind of hoping that he'd notice.

Sadly, James didn't notice but all James' friends did. When James left the room to go to bed, his friend turned round and asked how long she'd loved him for. It was awkward for poor Shonar. Bless her.

Well we got to our bed at 0500 and I am so tired now, it's unbelievable and every time I remember that in a few hours I have to go back out for a party, I want to cry fat embarrassing tears. What happened to the girl that used to party every night?

After tonight, I'm detoxing. A month that is alcohol free.

Post Packages

2012-01-13T18:36:00.002Z

So that's everything over until March.

And I'm so bloody relieved. I've accepted and embraced the facts that I will most definitely seeing them all again in August as resits but what you gonna do, right? I was the idjit that left them so bloody last minute in the first place. Again. So much for studying as a New Years Resolution :/

I, however, am now looking forward to a few weeks of nothing to do apart from job hunt, read my books and watch T.V.

When I got back from staying at Sarah's house this morning, this beautiful little bundle of treats were waiting for me in the post bay. I know they're not clear but I'll state what they are...

DVD's: Philadelphia, Nightmare on Elm Street (remake), House of Wax, Clinic and Message in a Bottle - a film I've always wanted to read since I sent my own message in a bottle when I was like six years old. I wonder where that is... Sad thing is, I put it under Grannie's name and address because she said she didn't know what kind of person would find it. If anything does come of it, and I doubt it now, then I don't know how anyone will respond to a letter coming in Grannie's name... Ha!

Books: Blind Eye, Sawbones both by Stuart MacBride - if you ever want to read a REALLY good crime series then I suggest his Cold Granite series - Hitler's Angel by Kris Kursch, Forbidden Fruit by Erica Spindler, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy by John Le Carre and finally Supernatural: Bobby Singer's Guide to Hunting - once I'm obsessed, damn am I obsessed!

The movies I'm sure I'll watch during the weekend and the books add to my "one book a week resolution" which starts properly when I finished that damned Stephen King book. Good God, it's killing me. It's huge!

Assignments Down, Exam to Go.

2012-01-09T20:19:00.006Z

Well, thankfully, that's the two assignments handed in and now out of my hands. As much as I enjoy the stress that comes with writing assignments, because damn I deal with it so well, I love the relief of knowing that they're gone for another year - or at least until August if I have to resit.

Now though, it's preparation for the evil Maths exam tomorrow.

I've always been an academic but Maths is the one bloody subject I can't stand. You can't blag your way out of it like you can English and Science, even though Science usually needs serious answers but sometimes it's wingable.

Bleugh.

Well to celebrate the end of the assignments, I went out with Sarah last night and we ended up meeting up with Shonar and Laura while we were out. It was a pretty good night but what made it was my fear of people disappeared. I spoke to two guys in the bar and felt completely at ease, usually I make an excuse to leave. Then in the chipper this other guy was pretending he knew us so that he could stand behind us but then it turned out he was more interested in getting to know me rather than just using us an alibi - it was kind of sweet. Then I met one my friend's friend, who I only have on facebook, so that was pretty awesome too. It's nice knowing that I can go out and not feel like I have to glare every guy down for being a complete creeper - which they usually are.

Bleugh. I'd best stop putting off the inevitable and go revise. It hurts.

Freewriting

2012-01-07T16:18:00.003Z

Well I wasn't going to post a blog today because I only posted one yesterday and I understand that I stated in my resolutions that I wanted to be a frequent blogger but every day is going to take the actual mess, right? However, this coincides with another one of my resolutions.

It coincides with resolution seven: write more.

One of my lecturers stated that when we were having difficulty writing our assignment, we were to open up another word document and just write. Anything that comes into our heads and let it flow. Usually people write their shopping list or how they're feeling but my brain has always been tuned to write fiction whenever I'm given the choice to free write so I thought seeing as I haven't had the chance to take heed to resolution 7, I'd post you the short (well 2000 words) piece I wrote during my free writing. It's also, slightly, the return of my teenage writing age which is always good!

One day, there was a young girl sat at her computer pondering over her assignment. She didn't care about her looks today. She sat wearing an oversized white tee shirt that she'd been stolen off her younger brother once to wear as pyjamas with leopard print leggings and a pair of large fluffy pink slippers – her small feet often laughed at by family and friends. Her ginger hair was scraped back into a messy bun at the nape of her neck, loose tendrils framed her skeletal face while her block fringe fell into her cold grey eyes as she stared blankly at the screen in front of her. Three words sat on the document, the cursor flashing in a taunting manner as if teasing that she couldn't think of anything to write, sorely reminding her that if inspiration didn't strike soon then she would cave as always and that, ultimately, would lead to a fail. The chipped midnight blue painted fingernails tapped a consistent pattern against the space bar, her top teeth worrying into her bottom lip as she bit back the urge to slam her fist down on the table and storm out of the room.

The hardback book, the latest novel by her favourite writer, sat to the right of her laptop. It's barely thumbed through pages were calling out to her, praying that she'd leave the confines of her over-sized and coffee stained computer desk and sink into the confines of her bed. There, where she'd simply lie with her head in her pillows, nothing would matter but the world that the book she was reading would open to her. A new world of time-travel, heroism and romance that a person like she could only find between the pages of a well written novel. Reaching out, she stroked her hand over the untarnished skin that covered the hardback and sighed. The idea was tempting but she couldn't. Removing her hand, she returned to the awful habit of tapping her fingernail against the space bar, her free hand running across her unmade face as she realised how tired she'd become.

Some might say she's an insomniac and with the clock on the corner of her laptop screen reading 03:54, she wouldn't dare disagree with you because maybe it was true and there was no evidence to state otherwise as most of her nights followed this pattern, even those where she didn't have homework, because of her tiny little secret. It was a secret that no one knew about, not even her parents, and most definitely not a secret that any twenty five year old would ever dare admitting out loud without expecting some sort of ridicule thrown in their faces.

She, an avid reader of horror stories, was terrified of the dark. Even without telling anyone, she could sense that everyone would blame it on the awful books that she read. She had a reputation of only ever reading books that would leave your skin crawling for days because of the horror you'd read, the cover showing blood and usually instruments that could be used to inflict pain or books that would promise you a good strong character that was chasing the ghosts of their past. This genre of crime and thrillers, even of the macabre, had been her favourite ever since the day she'd turned seven years old. It had become an obsession that filled shelves in her small bedroom and cluttered up the floor when she eventually ran out of space. Those around her worried that she was slowly becoming a sociopath due to her extensive knowledge and due to how she loved to tease, in a dead-pan voice, that she'd be able to commit the perfect murder.

However, what kind of sociopath was afraid of the dark? Could you imagine Jack the Ripper skulking about the streets of London hunting for his prostitutes during the day because the night had been too terrifying for him? The idea was simply perverse. No serious sociopath would be afraid of the dark or if they were, they'd be able to use it to their advantage by killing people and asserting their power over the natural occurrence that is nightfall.

It wasn't that she couldn't be out after dawn. At twenty, the idea of being in before the sun went down would be ridiculous due to how it stinted her social life. She could be around people and feel comfortable because the fear didn't start until she was alone, in her bed, under the heavy duvet and with the lights off when it would come back and take hold of her. It was the demons that got her every time. The painful reminders of nights listening to her parents fighting, listening to her younger siblings sniffling in their bed next to her and as she got older, the painful reminder of taking that blade across her wrist and watching as the thick liquid dripped across her milky white flesh... and in each time she dreamt this scenario, she succeeded in killing herself. Her parents bursting in and finding their thirteen year old lying in a bathtub filled with rusty coloured water, her eyes glazed over as she stared at nothing in particular and their tears would fall as they realised that it was their fault. If only she had suceeded then...

Every time she closed her eyes she remembered the drunk man that forced himself onto her at the young age of fifteen, his hand covering her mouth to stifle her screams as her tears fell down her cheeks and pooled just above his hand before slipping over. They say you can't smell in dreams but she can. The overwhelming stench of Jack Daniels causes her stomach to turn every time the memory hits her as well as the smell of cigarette smoke that clings on his clothes. The metallic taste of blood trickled down her throat as she struggled against the heavier man, her hands clawing at his arms as she prayed that this would be over soon. It was. Once he released her mouth, she'd gasped and sunk to the floor as her loud sobs racked through her tiny frame. The long unkempt ginger hair hiding her tear stained face as she used her hands to keep hold of her torn clothes. She wouldn't be found for another three hours by a man walking his dog, her tears long since dried and her hands long since dropping their task of keeping her decent but it was obvious to anyone what had happened to her.

It was then that the nightmares started. The vivid recalls of both scenarios in her life that would make anyone want to break down and cry. She'd scream for her mother, tears rolling down her cheeks as she clawed at her chest as she fought off an invisible attacker and scaring awake her younger sister. Only in her mother's arms, her face buried into the crook of her neck and gently being rocked would she eventually fall back to sleep again without any more nightmares. This pattern continued for a few weeks until eventually her mother stopped answering her nightmare induced pleas due to thinking it was the best medication for her to be able to 'grow' out of the phase. Instead, she'd just stopped sleeping when it was dark.

It was only by accident that she learnt that you didn't dream during the day. It had been an exceptionally warm today and her maths teacher was dragging on about something that she didn't care about - ever since her attack, she hadn't cared much for anything but no one seemed to care about how she felt – so she'd been lulled into a gentle sleep against her desk. When she woke up, she'd be written up and sent to the head of year for a warning but that didn't matter. She'd slept peacefully for a full hour, nightmare free. This tiny piece of information was enough to get her through high school, several years after everyone else in her class due to having to resit a year or two due to transferring and taking a year out, and onto university where she was now.

However, at twenty-five, she couldn't help but wonder what this could do to her social life.

She was great for a night out with her friends. She was never too tired and always up for being around people so that she'd be putting off the inevitable of sitting in her room alone, staring into the abyss as she tried to hide from her personal demons for another couple of hours. She, usually, did great at studying during the night because it was when her brain was now more in tune and she always felt like she'd achieved something working at night. She rarely ate so not being up at appropriate times to eat didn't bother her but there was one thing she really wanted but didn't know how it would work. She wanted a boyfriend.

Before her attack, she'd just been approaching the age where girls got interested in boys and thinking of her high school crush put a smile on her face, even to this day, but no one had looked at her the same after word had got out. She felt as if everyone thought she was dirty because of what had happened and had left the school after one too many pitying looks. At the new high school, no one had known about the attack but she couldn't look at boys in the same way. Every time one accidentally bumped into her in the corridor or sat next to her in class she'd start to panic and would eventually run away like a startled deer. During those last painful years of high school, she hadn't felt as if she'd been missing out on anything but now... now she felt as if everyone was leaving her behind because of their new found love.

In a flat of five girls, she was the only one that was single and she couldn't help but find herself standing in front of her mirror just staring. She'd run her slim fingers over her frame, pointing out every blemish and imperfection, before finally convincing herself that she was never going to be good enough for anyone. Each session of self-abuse would end with her sliding down to the floor, her face buried in her knees as she wrapped her arms around them while she sobbed her heart out as if she was fifteen years old again.

Looking at her laptop, she took a deep breath before closing her eyes and shaking her head. No. She wasn't going to allow this to happen anymore. From tomorrow, she'd ditch the over-sized tee-shirts that she'd stolen from her brother and go out to buy some pretty feminine dresses. It was time to stop worrying about the message each outfit she wore gave off to men. It had been ten years now since her attack and it was time for her to grow up. Closing down the word document, her word count still at the grand total of three, she stepped out of her chair and moved towards the mirror. Grabbing hold of the baggy white tee shirt, she pulled it in tight at the back and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

“Who'd have thought that was hiding underneath all that material,” the warm words caused her to jump as she turned to see her flatmate standing behind her, two cups in her hand as she stared proudly at the sight in front of her and the woman couldn't help but blush as she turned to look back at the mirror. She might never be ready to face her insomnia but she was definitely ready to face the world. Letting go of the tee shirt, she smiled as the familiar sensation of the material floating at her sides comforted her before she turned to look at her flatmate. It was rare that anyone else was up at this time but tonight, for some strange reason, she welcomed the company as they both settled on the double bed to start talking.

I know, it's long winded and it will need editing if I'm ever to do anything with it afterwards but thankfully after writing this, only took me ten minutes because of how desperate I was to get my flow on, I finished my first assignment. Yay!

It also makes me think that all my resolutions are reachable!

Assignment Torture

2012-01-07T02:59:00.002Z

Well, as per fricking usual, I've left my assignments to last minute and it's driving me insane.

Why do I never learn?

Every bloody time I go through this scenario, I swear, I cry and I damned well nearly give up, so you'd think that by now I would have learnt to start earlier or at least, in reference to my beautiful photograph at the top of this blog, learn not to procrastinate.

I procrastinate that bad, I cleaned the freezer out the other day! To be fair, it needed to be done. The freezer had gone off during the Christmas holidays meaning the meat and everything had defrosted which in turn meant that awful gooey red stuff was dripping out of all the meat - my worst nightmare but someone had to clean it! I'm not even domesticated! I'm the epitome of a feminist due to the simple reason I refuse to be the only woman in a male orientated flat which means I'm going to do all the cleaning. Hell to the no!

Okay.

Well. I'm on assignment down and one to go.

I, however, just wasted five precious minutes of time writing this blog. Best thing? I don't even feel sorry. Whoops.

Back in Ayr

2012-01-04T18:00:00.006Z

Well. That's it. I'm back in Ayr. And oh boy, was that an adventure and a half!

I caught the 0615 train because it's the first one out of Doncaster and I actually really enjoy catching the first train because it's quiet, the other people don't really want to interrupt unless they're interested in what you're doing and you can just get on with watching your DVD's or reading. I didn't even bother doing my hair and make-up yesterday which is something I usually do because I like to joke to my friends that I'm going to meet the love of my life on a train one year - it has to happen. It's the only place where I feel truly comfortable to talk to strangers! - but like I said, I was make-up free and my hair wasn't even brushed! 0615 in the morning people, give me a break!

It was a bumpy journey. The wind was battering the train side to side like a ball in a pinball machine! I swear, we were lucky not to have ended up knocked over. So I reached Edinburgh at 0924 after over three peaceful hours reading my book and watching Supernatural season 6. I was climbing off the train and my suitcase handle snapped. My beloved suitcase that Grannie gave to me - it had been hers for many years before - that has seen me on many journeys between Ayr and Doncaster has given way on my second to last trip! I could have cried. Genuinely. Big fat embarrassing tears over it. I, however, recovered from this torment to notice that on the board all the Glasgow trains were cancelled.

My heart literally stopped.

I didn't know anyone in Edinburgh to come save me and in the ten seconds I was staring at the board, the word "cancelled" resided by every train that was to depart from the station along with a booming voice over the tannoy stating "for safety reasons, this train station will be closing in ten minutes. Please gather your belongings and leave via your nearest exit". I mean I understand why they did it. 120 mph winds would scare the crap out of any one.

So here I was, in a city that I've visited once or twice but have no clue where anything is, with no one to turn to or rescue me with no where to sit because the station was closed. I cried. I phoned my dad and cried like a little girl. It was nerve wrecking! My auntie and uncle live just outside of Glasgow but they were working so couldn't come get me until at least half past four which would have meant having to find something to amuse myself for six hours... Mum was worried and all determined to do the long ass drive to come get me but dad, thankfully, made her see sense and plus the car was broken.

Even though there had been rumours that the buses weren't working, my aunt suggested that I should go hunt down the station and see. So here I am with my broken suitcase, my laptop and the world's biggest handbag struggling against the strong winds to find a bus station that I was starting to think didn't exist. Thankfully, the buses were working and £12 and four hours later, I managed to get home okay.

And the first thing I did when I got in? I unpacked my pyjamas and went straight to bed. It was the best sleep ever until I woke up about 2100 and realised that I'd only had a sandwich to eat all day and the hunger cramps were painful. So I ate the rest of the munch mother dearest packed for me then went straight to my bed. I felt so good waking up this morning until I remembered that I have assignments to start :(

Moving on from my awful day, here are two photos from New Year's Eve of the two siblings and I just before I went to work and those two boozers went and celebrated New Year's Eve the way you're meant to...

One year, I am going to get a nice photo of the three of us even if it kills me. These two are cute but not something my mother would want framed. I'll probably have to wait until someone get's married...

Speaking of marriage, have a look at the cute engagement ring my cousin, Martyn, got his fiancée, Arlene!

It's so pretty and shiny! It's not what I'd want but that's not the point, right? It's cute and she loves it, that's the main point! It brings out my inner female though because I'm so excited!

Well coinciding with my NY Resolution number eight, here's the book that has my attention this week! Or maybe two because in good Stephen King style, this book is a bloody beast!

Jake Epping is an English teacher in Lisbon Falls, Maine, who makes extra money teaching in an adult education programme. One day, he receives and essay from one of his students - a harrowing first person story about the night, fifty years earlier, when Harry Dunning's father came home and killed Harry's mother, his sister and his brother with a sledgehammer.

Later, Jake's friend Al, who runs the local diner, divulges an extraordinary secret: his storeroom is a portal to 1958. He enlists Jake on an insane - and an insanely possible - mission to try and prevent the Kennedy assassination.

Inspired by his desire to put things right for Harry Dunning, Jake leaves a world of iPods and mobile phones for a new world of Elvis and JFK, of big American cars, root beers and Linda Hopping. It is a haunting world of a troubled loner named Lee Harvey Oswald and a beautiful high school librarian named Sadie Dunhill, who becomes the love of Jake's life - a life that trangresses all the normal rules of time.

Obviously, not being American, I don't really contextualise the importance or the effect that JFK's assassination had on the nation but I do know that, due to his age, Stephen King has always had a slight obsession so I'm slightly excited to read it. Which is odd because my love for him, even though he'll always be my literary God, has slightly dwindled recently because he's become a Christmas writer and that really upsets me. I've only read the first couple of pages and I'm already hooked... Damn the fact that I have an assignment to write!

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-01T19:11:00.003Z

Well it's that time of year where we make a list of "resolutions" or "promises" that I don't think I've ever managed to keep. So, this year, I've created a list that I think qualify as good resolutions but also ones that I'll actually be able to accomplish - if I try.

1. Be financially stable

Well this is it, my last six months at university before I join the rest of the world in the rat race that is finding a job, a place to live and just starting my own life. It's going to be difficult and I can sense that many tantrums, tears and failures are going to be ahead of me but if I start saving now then surely it makes it slightly easier in the long run. Also, learning how to be financially stable now while I still have the support of my parents' will set me up for later life when I truly am alone and wanting to start a family.

2. Job Hunt

To be financially stable (aka resolution 1) I have to job hunt. I want to work abroad on a cruise ship or in a hotel. I just want to be able to get out of the UK and say that I have done something with my life other than education. Ihate being in education, I want to work but there's just no work any more but I'm not going to give up. I shall do any kind of job because I'm not fussed. Barmaid, cleaner, warehouse worker. You name it and I shall try my best to do that job to the standard it requires. It's just such a shame most jobs now require you to have experience before you can get a job but to get experience, you need the job! It's such an unfair cycle.

3. Stick to the Diet I'm on

I started this blog several years ago and probably every New Year I state a resolution of “Lose Weight” and every single year I fail. Now, however, there's one plus side to this because I no longer care that I'm overweight. Well I care but not enough where losing weight controls my life because I don't want to be that girl any more. I have overcome bulimia, overcome my fears of wearing nice clothes and even wear my hair down now because baby, big girls are beautiful.

4. Blog Weekly

Well the first two years of my blog here is jam packed with entries but then in the later years, it's dwindled. This, my lovely friends, is going to change. I promise that I shall try to update at least once a week even if my week is extremely boring. I don't see the point of having such a beautiful blog – because God knows I put enough effort into changing the fonts, changing the books/TV shows I'm watching every time they change – if I'm not going to use it for the purpose I created it which was to blog!

5. Study More

As previously stated, this is my last six months at university and by god has it been a gruesome two years and a half. I've failed, dropped out and felt extremely homesick but along the way I've found the world's greatest friends, had moments that will live with me forever and basically had the time of my life so I wouldn't change it for the world but also there's a point where the fun needs to stop and the studying begins. This year, I want to pass with flying colours and know that even if I do fail on the first time, I bloody well tried to pass.

6. Speak to Family/Friends More

I've become a recluse in the past few months. I even get out of socialising with my friends in Scotland just so I can lie in my bed and watch endless T.V shows because that's the way I've always been but it's not the way to live. Over the two years, I've lost all my friends in Doncaster and they're now all in Ayr so why wouldn't I make an effort? If I have to return to Doncaster once the year is up, I'm going to be left friendless because I don't like the people down here so I need to make an effort both with keeping my friends and the job hunt. It's a must! Also my family, they've sacrificed so much and yet I sometimes don't bother talking to them because when they do phone they drive me crazy! It's more like they're having a conversation between them and I'm an outsider listening in! It's not fair, it really isn't. But I shall try. On both accounts.

7. Write More

I've always wanted to write. I might not be any good but that doesn't matter because I just enjoy writing. I enjoy seeing characters I've created come alive on paper even if the scenarios are ridiculous. However, I'm going to make a new rule. I'm going to write for me and me alone. I've noticed recently I've started writing for friends and that's not fair. I should be able to write what I want to write, when I want to write and what story I want to write. I'm the author. I can end a story, kill a character or create a series if I want to but... Meh. Sometimes the fun of writing disappears because people are always constantly plaguing me with “have you written?” “how far have you got?” “maybe you should write...” if you want it to happen, you write it. I'm going to write, what I want to write, at least three times a week for two hours.

8. Read More

I've always been an avid reader. I was reading my dad's westerns when I was just in Nursery but recently I've forgotten the art of picking up a book and lying in my bed with no sound to just read. I've become a couch potato that would rather lie in bed watching a TV series and it saddens me. I have mountains of books of all genres just lying about in this house and they all go untouched. My new plan is to read at least one book a week – varying because a girl needs to be educated and that comes from reading more than just crime novels as grannie would say.

Through resolution 4, you'll all be kept up to date (hopefully) with my progress on pretty much every resolution that I have stated here but like I state, for that to happen, resolution 4 needs to happen!

I hope you all had a fantastic New Year!

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T15:42:00.005Z

Well it's just been one of those years.

It's been filled with ups, downs and moments where I didn't know if wanted to laugh or cry and there were even moments when I did both! Last night, however, was one of the most painful experiences of 2011 to date and I'm so glad that with tomorrow comes a new year.

It was probably my fault. I got him drunk by giving him shots of everything and letting him try a slippery nipple - Baileys mixed with Jack Daniels and covered in squirty cream - or two... He was wasted. Pretty damned wasted.

It's safe to say that both my siblings are sinkers. Neither of them can drink and when they do drink, the fact that alcohol is a depressant seriously comes to light.

Last night, Lauren and I had to talk our seventeen year old brother out of committing suicide. He's had a tough year and then add on all that alcohol, I don't blame him for having such depressive thoughts but I just sometimes wish that people wouldn't be so stupid. I don't judge people for wanting to commit suicide but how come no one can see the other side of the coin? The fact that they're leaving everyone behind in so much pain and turmoil as well as the overbearing fact that maybe it was your fault in the first place that they'd decided to end it all... He made me so angry but sad at the same time :/

Thankfully, after a good hour of talking to him, we managed to convince him that ending his life was a ludicrous idea and he should move on from the emotion because when he woke up he'd realise how stupid he'd been. So he went to bed while Lauren and I got upset because he used to be such a carefree boy... Bleugh. How can life change so dramatically?

As always, I was the bad guy that had to tell mother this morning what he'd done and now she's going to keep an eye on him. As well as confiscate the alcohol that he's got and we've got so that he can't drink it.

Only eight more hours to go then hello 2012.

Unfortunately, I'm working again this year at the club so I can't really party but it'll still be a good one, no matter what. I'm just looking forward to having a new year and a new start. How clichéd is that?!

I hope that, wherever you are, you have a fabulous New Year and that it brings all the luck and happiness you all deserve!

January Sales

2011-12-28T22:17:00.007Z

Suicide. Mission.

I swear to God, a heaving shopping centre filled with people desperate to spend their Christmas money isn't usually my idea of a good time but today it wasn't so bad.

Lauren and I went in first but due to everyone running late, as always, we decided that we'd go to Costa and grab ourselves a drink. Costa was heaving - again, due to the amount of people in town - so we decided to grab it to go and wander around the books because our Costa is situated in Waterstones. This, to me, is temptation. I've just got twelves books for Christmas so literally, I'm completely stocked on books but obviously I needed to buy more. It's like a rule when I've got money in my pocket. So in the end, I bought three...

War Horse by Michael Morpurgo because the film adaptation comes out here in January and I've seen snippets of the play that's shown in London in drama class so I'm completely intrigued.

Deja Dead by Kathy Reichs because I've always wanted to read the Bones series and now that I'm watching them on T.V, I really really wanted to start reading them!

The Night Season by Chelsea Cain because this series is flawless. How many books do you read where the lead detective is madly in love with a serial killer that killed him then brought him back to life to continue the torture? If you ever want to read a crime book then I suggest this series!

Finally, my wardrobe has two new dresses. A day time one in the form of the black dress with the green polka dots and then a nightclubbing one in the lace red vest top and black skirt. Yeah, the photos are lame and my description is just as bad but you'll probably see them in later photos when we go clubbing - as always.

Then I got several DVD's in the form of Hunchback of Notre Dame, Ferngully: The Last Rainforest, Men of Honour, The Zodiac, Slither and V: Season 1 and 2.

I now have all these books and DVD's to take back home to Scotland with me as well as the rest of the ones I got for Christmas... Maybe I should sacrifice all my clothes and just never leave my bedroom?

Christmas Cheer

2011-12-26T19:18:00.009Z

Well the Christmas weekend has been and, sadly, gone. And oh boy, has it been exciting.

On Thursday night, Lauren and I went to my best friend's - Claire - house just for a social gathering because her parents were away until Saturday for a wedding. It was actually the younger brother's party, Adam, but we had gone round to keep Claire company. Claire and I have been friends since we were three but due to the fact that I know live in Scotland and she is still down here, we don't see each other that often but when we're back it's almost as if a day hasn't gone by since we last saw each other. We talked about everything - her and Lauren's love life, my lack of love life, university and work and even contraception methods! What girls talk about when they've had a drink is weird.

Unfortunately, the night went south when the idiots decided to crack out the marijuana. I'm anti-smoking so I'm definitely not going to start smoking a joint so I stood back while they all started smoking the shit - gives you the worst headache - and then had to be the one to put Claire to bed when she started to feel funny. Poor Lauren and I had to change her into her pyjama's and it most definitely isn't that easy when you're dealing with dead weight because she was out like a light.

As we all know, Lauren doesn't handle alcohol very well and as we walked home - bad decision on our behalf - at two in the morning, she was crying her eyes out about how she no longer had a best friend since she'd left school and how she missed having one. I convinced her, because it's true, that she's always going to be my best friend and I'll always be hers. It's true though. Lauren knows everything about me that Claire doesn't know and that I don't even think Claire would ever find out. It wasn't long before she started saying that I'd be leaving her again for Scotland in a couple of days and then when I finished University for good, I'd find another reason to run away because that's what I do. Apparently I ran away to Scotland to escape the fact that Grannie had died and I'll always be running from Dad because he and I just don't get on. It was kind of heartbreaking but when Lauren's drunk you just remind yourself not to take anything she says to heart. We got home and then I put her to bed before coming back downstairs to sit with Barry a little bit as he'd joined us at Claire's around midnight.

I missed Church this year because I had to work.

It was a shock to the system because I'm from a Catholic family and Christmas (as well as Easter) is one of the dates that you most definitely have to go to church but not this year. The sad part was, work was empty so they sent me home at ten pm. I was actually raging.

Well Christmas morning came but we couldn't open our presents because Lauren had worked Christmas Eve - where she'd watched her first resident die causing her to feel a little down - and then had stayed at Chris' because they were going around his grandparents first thing Christmas morning. Poor Barry was going crazy not being able to open his presents but eventually she arrived and then the presents were opened.

The best news this Christmas? Martyn, my cousin, and his girlfriend, Arlene, got engaged!

We had been hoping that he would do it last New Year but that hadn't happened but now he has done it. Christmas kind of lacks originality for me but I suppose that's because I'm me. To them, it's extremely romantic.

We then went to my Mum's Sister's for tea to find out that one of my other cousin's, Leoni, also got engaged on Christmas Day too! However, her fiance has joked that they'll be waiting at least five years before they get married but this will be cute because it means Little Carrik, their two year old, will be old enough to be involved. Sadly, I don't have a photo of Ryan and Leoni but I'm all excited.

HOWEVER, that means my diet has got to get even more rigid because I refuse to go to another wedding overweight especially seeing as F will probably be at Martyn's and after he played me, I'm looking forward to playing him! I'm a bitch, I know.

Now, my friends, I ask you an important question. Should I get a kindle? I really want one because all my favourite writers are starting to release books that are just e-books meaning the only way I can read them is on a Kindle. AND I also want to work abroad next year so on one kindle, I can have hundreds of books rather than carrying them all about but... Ah! I love books too much. See the inner conflict I go through?!

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas!

A Post About Everything

2011-12-15T15:18:00.008Z

Well, as usual, it's been a while so this is going to be a quick round up post...

First thing to talk about... My friend from university graduated on the 25th of November and she came out with us on the 24th so that she could celebrate with us and then celebrate with her family on the Friday. We were going to be classy and just go out for a meal with the odd drink... Ha. Yeah right. We ended up on a bar crawl and then in one of the nightclubs. It does, however, show that the spontaneous nights are the best nights out.

Unfortunately, Alyson didn't feel well so she had to leave before the night was out but we all understood that because no one wants to be sick on the day of their graduation. So eventually it ended up just being Shonar - the one wearing the lace top - and I but that was okay because we found James, my neighbour.

This year, sadly, I've not made that many friends in halls because they're not friendly due to every flat being blocked off with an electric key so you either bond with your flatmates or you have to go hang out in the smokers area. As a non-smoker, I don't usually mind hanging out when there's one or two smokers but when there's a large group, you can feel it in your lungs so I tend to avoid the smoker's area meaning this year, I aint a social bunny.

James, however, broke through this by forcing me out of my room and the pair of us - along with his girlfriend, Steffie - would hang out in the living room while either they or I cooked. It would always be a giggle and the two of them would tell me about their days and I'd say about mine then we'd start talking about family. It's nice. You know, to have someone like that you can talk to.

Sadly though, before this night, James and Steffie had moved out to a couples flat in the halls so, again, I was left alone but seeing James out was a real treat. This, however, was until he did the whole "how can someone as cute as you be single?" No one seems to understand my argument of how difficult it is being in a relationship when I don't have a steady address, I live in two countries remember, and I don't want to have to break someone's heart next year if I make the decision to come home to England. James, however, was the lucky type who came to university and met a girl from the exact same city as him. What's the chances?

He then started to play with my dimples which made me want to punch him so instead I teased him about his constant playing of The Who at silly times in the morning which I know was so that I didn't have to hear other things. The joys, my friends, of living in halls is that you know EVERYTHING.

However... I then went home with James and we stayed up talking all night which was really sweet. I like James, a lot. He is a pretty boy but as always, I find myself being close friends to him instead.

Well seeing as we're talking about Alyson's graduation, I can't end this paragraph without this picture...

She looks great and she's doing really well in the "real" world by having found herself a job in the career that she wants to do which is really difficult what with the recession happening here at the moment. So congratulations to my friend, Alyson, and may she continue to be lucky throughout life! :D

Second topic, I'm home again.

Mum and dad went away on their first honeymoon last week, nearly twenty one years of marriage and their first time away alone without friends or children so it totally qualifies as a honeymoon as they never had one in the first place, and left me alone in the house because Barry was shipped off to Grandad's and Lauren was either at work or Chris'.

However, we changed the rules so that both Lauren and Chris could stay here with me. It was great fun. Some nights it was just Lauren and I so we'd have girly times by pretending to be pop stars into hairbrushes or tubes of lip glosses before snuggling up in the parent's double bed - I know longer have a bed in this joint so it was the smartest decision - or we'd lie downstairs on the couch with our duvets and watch endless crap on the T.V.

The first few nights Chris stayed over, he slept alone in our bedroom but then eventually we decided it was too cold for that shite so we all stayed together in mum and dad's room. The awesome moment when you're all that close, it doesn't even hinder us. I bet half the world would find this relationship precisely weird but I have the exact same relationship with most of my friends who are in partnerships... It's weird.

Then at the weekend... We broke the kitchen sink. Water was spraying everywhere and could we find the hot water valve to turn the water off? Could we buggar... Thankfully, my Uncle Dean is a handy man so he came round and fixed it for us but did wonder why we were cooking tea at nearly nine pm. We're so cool. So yeah, the parents left us and we broke the sink. They're never leaving us again! Ha.

I failed NaNoWriMo guys. University was just too hectic this year and it got in my way but I'm going to keep trying to write the story because I was really impressed with the idea and I was enjoying writing it but with work, assignments and study it was getting too heavy. Life sucks, right?

Speaking of university, I'm still hating on it. I wish I was out in the world working. Thankfully, the bar in Spain that mum and dad found was a scouse bar and they mentioned they'd be looking for summer staff so I'm going to try and get in on some of that action. I so want to work abroad!

However, my hatred for University means I don't know if I want to go back and do my extension course... Education for English students is going up to £9000 a year and I just don't know if I can afford that. I think I'm going to do an apprenticeship like Lauren is. She works in an old folks retirement centre, gets paid for it but is also working towards a degree. I'm sure that's the best option.

Okay. I think this is the longest ramble of my life. It's an extremely long blog and I'm sorry for boring you but I just wanted to catch you up.

Everyone excited for Christmas?

Christmas Break is Here!

2011-11-20T15:51:00.005Z

So that's me now officially broken up from Christmas on the 18th of November. I'm finally going to have more than two weeks holiday with my family! Yas. It's going to be awesome.

I'm staying up in Scotland for a week longer to work on assignments but then a week on Tuesday, I'm catching the train home and going to go Christmas shopping with the girls etc even though I'm that prepared and have everyone's presents but mother's. Yas!

Unfortunately, the second week back of being home, my folks go away on Holiday. It's kind of cute. Twenty one years after being married they're finally going on their first Honeymoon! How super adorable is that? It just means I'm going back to living alone. Dad says I'm not allowed anyone over but watch this space. I'm sure I'll find someone who wants to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday with me... Anyone?

And now for something I haven't done in ages...

Photos from our night out on Wednesday. We all hadn't been out in a while and the girls are all starting placement tomorrow morning so we decided that even though we had University on Thursday 9-5 (Maths and Science as well!) that we'd pretend to be Forever Young and go back out again. I think we succeeded - even if I did miss the first class because I had to get a coffee.

But none are as cute as the ones from the morning after... Ha! Thankfully, once we had a bowl of soup at dinner and lot's of coffee/coca cola, we were completely fine and just enjoyed the rest of our day. It was good to be out again.

New Hairstyle... Possibly?

2011-11-18T00:08:00.002Z

Just a little blog to have your opinions.

There's a new style out over here in Britain, who knows it might be out where you guys live too but it's very popular up here, where girls are having one side of their hair really shaved short and the rest really long.

I LOVE THE STYLE. Genuinely adore it and I've wanted to do it for years but my weight paranoia stopped me - plus everyone used to say my hair was hideous etc so I never bothered to do anything with my hair.

Today, my friends and I plaited back the side of hair that I'd want doing to see how it would look with my length and full fringe... £%^£t^"£!^!"£@ I LOVE IT.

I just don't know if I'm brave enough to make that leap yet.

What do you guys think to the style?

Bullying Bunch of Bitches

2011-11-10T21:20:00.003Z

Today I found out that my friends and I made a girl in our class cry herself to sleep one night. It wasn't particularly all of us, just one girl in the group, but at the same time I do feel as if we're all partly to blame because we didn't stop it.

Sure, we've been together as our separate groups for three years now but where does it say that someone can't join after her friends desert her? I genuinely didn't mind the girl, she was okay. Sure, she interrupted conversations for pointless statements but she didn't do anything to hurt a single one of us then one of us goes and write's a indirect facebook status about her? I think that makes her the pathetic one! Have an issue, say it to her face for gods sake!

I've become one of the girl's I've hated in high school.

That one girl that just hangs about with the bitches and lets them walk over people. It's not fair and I wish I'd been braver to stand up to them because what gives us the right to belittle people? The girl cried herself to sleep over the stupid facebook status?!

I'm actually genuinely ashamed of myself right now and I know there's little I can do to fix it because the girl won't hang out with us any more and if I did, I'd lose my friends for deciding I liked her enough to hang out of her.

I just want to stand up on the canteen tables and scream "WE'RE TWENTY PLUS, WHY THE HELL ARE WE ACTING LIKE SMALL CHILDREN?!" but I know it won't fix anything.

I'm just so angry because I know how much it upset me when my friends from high school used to belittle me and make me feel like shite so why all of a sudden is it alright for us to do it to this girl?

She cried herself to sleep... Because of us and all they can say is "good, she won't hang out with us now..."

I hate myself.

NaNoWriMo '11

2011-11-01T00:16:00.002Z

Well it's here again, my fellow friends.

National November Writing Month. One plot. One month. 50k words...

This is just a small blog to a) share my blurb and title and b) to see if any of you are as crazy as me to take part this year!! So is anyone taking part??

So here's my NaNoWriMo '11

The Heiress' Saviour

Rowan Richards is the youngest daughter of Graeme Richards, a multi-millionaire that is well known for his old-fashioned concepts and beliefs. Rowan moved out of the family estate to prove that she could do it alone but what she didn't predict was that she'd fall pregnant and end up being alone just before the annual Black and White Ball, the social event of the year. She's desperate and needs a husband, fast.

Matthew Sanderson has been homeless for months now and he sits on the porch of the apartment building to protect himself from the rain. He minds his own business, never pleads for cash and this is why he's never ushered away. When Rowan asks him into her apartment under the promise of clean clothes, a shower and fresh food, Matthew realises it's not a offer he can resist. What he's not expecting is there to be a price tag on the end of it - he has to marry her.

One marriage of convenience. One year. One million pounds.

Will he accept?

Don't Panic...

2011-10-26T23:21:00.003+01:00

The first thing my mother says to me today when she phoned and I was like FAIL I'm now already panicking so speak quickly before I'm booking a train ticket home...

Dad spent last night in D.R.I., the local hospital.

The story goes, as I wasn't there, that mum woke up at half past one to see that dad wasn't in bed beside her so she went to check on him. Instead of finding him in the toilet or downstairs getting a glass of water, she saw him in a heap at the bottom of the stairs.

The ambulance came and took him to the hospital where he eventually woke up but doesn't remember anything. He just has a nice four inch gash - seven stitches - on his forehead and the odd bruise here and there.

My mum's "don't panic..." didn't work but dad text me when he woke up again and told me not to panic as well. I text him back saying that if he tried to do anything stupid - such as drive/go to work because he would try - then I was going to waste precious pennies to go back home, torture him and steal the money from his corpse to get the train back to university. I don't know what scared him the most... The fact that I'd waste money or the fact he knows I'd genuinely kill him! Bless him.

He doesn't remember anything apart from going to bed then waking up at the hospital. He's cracking jokes about how it was mother trying to kill him - the constant jokes making her want to genuinely kill him - but at least he's okay.

The doctor's don't know what caused it and we don't even know if they did tests to see if it was a black out or anything... *Shakes head* God knows! I just know that he's going to go stir crazy in the house!

Let's Go To The Movies...

2011-10-20T21:28:00.003+01:00

Well this page has been open for about thirty minutes and I've still not thought what to write in it yet... Huh... It just shows how eventful my life is these days.

Yesterday, Sarah, Louise, Nicola and I decided that we'd go to the movies so that we could bond outside of the classroom again like we did in the first two years. We used to all hang out all the time in first year because obviously we lived together and then last year it got pretty damn slack so this year we've decided that we're going to make more of an effort especially seeing as it's my last year so Sarah and I went to see Footloose first...

OMG. It was awesome. I'm not one for reviews because I suck at them basically and hence the reason I never went on a film course in the first place but it is fabulous. I didn't expect to like it because I am a huge fan of the first one (and not just because Kevin Bacon is a GOD!). It's pretty much the exact same but Ren has a much stronger storyline and it's obviously modernised to be set in 2011 rather than the eighties. I recommend it to everyone! Something I NEVER thought I'd say!

And then we met up with Nicola and Louise to see... LION KING IN 3D. It was my first 3D movie so I was pretty damned excited and even more when I could actually see it because a lot of people I know can't see 3D but it's awesome.

It was pretty much an awesome day. First dancing along to Footloose - reminds me of the days when Lauren and I learnt the end Footloose dance step for step so that we could dance along - then finding childhood again in one of every child's favourite Disney moves.

We've also decided that we're going to make the cinema date a regular thing which will be great for us because we are close but who just wants to hang out at school, right?

Last thing... Today (20/10/11) is Spirit Day where we remember those who have struggled with their sexuality through being bullied and not being accepted so I hope everyone has remembered to wear purple! I wore my purple scarf, tee shirt, underwear and then teamed it with my purple bag. I'm also now wearing my purple jog pants. A day close to my heart and I do hope everyone remembered <3

One Moment Please...

2011-10-12T23:58:00.001+01:00

This is a pointless blog to say........

TWO POUNDS AWAY FROM A STONE.

Hell to the fricking yeah! It's about time I took my weight loss seriously OR my weight took me seriously and did as it was told. I genuinely feel good because I haven't made any MASSIVE life changes unless you take out the fact that I don't drink to get wasted any more. It's social drinking and nothing more.

I will obviously write a better blog at a later date. I was just too excited not to flail.

Happy 50th Birthday, Dad!

2011-10-03T23:58:00.004+01:00

So my beloved father turned 50 today.

My father, the Grinch that he is, had decided that he didn't want anything to happen for his birthday especially as he didn't want me to think I had to pay an extortionate amount of money to come home and celebrate it with him. So I didn't. I sent him a card as the presents were already waiting at him and I phoned him at midnight to wish him Happy birthday.

However, they did do something.

The whole family got together and got drunk. Well isn't that just fucking dandy. Again, it's sorely rubbed in my face that I made the decision to move five hours away and now I can't celebrate anything with my family so they lie about it. I only know because Lauren is a little bit tipsy so she phoned to tell me whereas when Mum phoned me afterwards, she made sure she was very careful with her words not to slip up. So I'm already in a upset mood when my dad comes onto the phone and says that tonight is the first night, even though he does every day obviously, that he genuinely missed me because I'm the only one that can actually have a real drink with him and still be standing at the end of it. Yeah, the tears couldn't help but fall then.

It's another night of whispering to myself that it's only one more year to go...

D Flat Back Together

2011-10-02T19:35:00.005+01:00

Well it's official, I'm back with my girls.

It was Shonar's birthday so we obviously used that as an excuse all to get back together even though one of us graduated and every one else is living in different flats. Alyson, the girl that graduated, came and stayed with me so that she could come back. We then went out to Spoons for dinner and just talked about each other's summers. I've known Alyson the longest and I'm so proud of her. Since graduating, she found a job in a nursery and two and a half weeks later she was promoted to the manager of a different one! It shows that things really can happen when you just go for them. She doesn't know if working in a nursery is what she wants to do forever but for now she's going to stick to it then maybe come back to university to do Social Work. It was just a great giggle to be back with everyone especially seeing as it literally has been four months since we were together as a group!

One of my new room mates, James, happened to turn up at the party and got the shock of his life seeing me sat there because I'm older than everyone this year so I've either stuck to myself or I've headed out into the town where all my friends live so he had come up with the idea that I was shy and teetotal. He got the biggest shock when Andrew just snorted at the idea and said that if you needed any one to party with or just to talk to about life or even just TV and films that it was me you most definitely picked first and that James was blessed to have me as his neighbour. Anyone else sense why I would marry Andrew if he wasn't like my big brother? He's so sweet.

Well university has started. It's actually being rather enjoyable, minus the first years obviously finding life a party so they're keeping me awake until half past six when I need to be up an hour later, and I'm kind of glad to be back now. I know in the summer I was kind of praying that I'd fail my resits so that I would have to make new life plans without the worry about university but I'm glad I didn't fail. It's just down right upsetting to think, at my age, that this place is my home but minus my family. The people I really qualify as friends are all up here in this small area and hell even their friends that I've met once or twice are a lot closer to me than any of my old friends are. I was warned that you'd hate your high school friends once you left but I didn't think I'd be the hated one, you know what I mean? It's silly really.

So yeah, I'm excited for my final year at university. It's going to be a blast.

Sick.

2011-09-26T01:59:00.002+01:00

Well I've never felt so unwell in my life and I know I'm too blame.

I went out on Wednesday day, had three glasses of vodka and coke before having to leave the nightclub because I couldn't walk straight. My mum believes the illness was already starting to form but by adding alcohol to it I just made it ten times worse.

This was realised when I spent most of Thursday with my head in the toilet. I believed it was merely a hangover until I realised that my symptoms were too hardcore for a hangover and I still feel sick four days later.

However, being sick has made me reunite myself with lovely TV dramas such as Harper's Island and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation which is what I always watch when I feel ill because the CSI teams feel like family to me. Yeah, obsessive fan girl right here.

Another good thing is that because of said illness (and all the walking I did before hand I do believe) I've lost five and a half pounds this week meaning I feel much better about myself and I'm now seriously thinking about cutting out alcohol of my diet. Biggest worry was because I was ill, I wasn't eating so I need to fit that into my new found diet... Huh...

Classes start again on Tuesday and I must admit, I'm excited to be going back and to be having a schedule to regulate my sleeping pattern around because, again probably due to illness, I've been sleeping all day and watching T.V. all night. It might be a good way of life for me but not when classes are involved.

I've just sat and watched Ladder 49. It's an amazing firefighter film and if you haven't seen it then I insist that you add it onto your "watch before I die" list because it's simply amazing and really showcases talent such as John Travolta and Joaquin Phoenix - who I think is an underrated actor. Must warn you though, if you cry easy, have a box of tissues at hand!

Back in Ayr

2011-09-19T18:42:00.005+01:00

Hello third year.

So I'm now living in the brand new halls and despite it costing an extra £40 a week and all my friends now live in the town, I don't really see an issue with it. This year, however, I do get a lot more space that includes a shit load of shelves, under bed storage plus a cupboard in the kitchen!

Photos of my bedroom...

Also this year, we finally get ensuites. I didn't actually mind sharing a shower with nine other girls like I have done the two previous years but now having my own bathroom and shower is fantastic! There's no waiting about.

And more importantly, we finally have a real kitchen that's got four hobs and a real oven. It finally means we can eat real food.

The living area is a little shoddy but who cares! We can hang out in our rooms and I plan on spending most of my time in the town with my friends.

However, first thing on my agenda... Job Hunt. I have a list the length of my arm filled of bar work, waiting staff and shops. It's going to be fun.

Third, and Final, Year Here I Come...

2011-09-10T00:29:00.002+01:00

Oh my, on Wednesday I'm back to Scotland and that brings me into my third and final year of University - so far as I might go back and do a post graduate eventually.

I know it's too early to be thinking about this but everyone has been asking me that all time question which has an endless list of answers... "What are you going to do after?"

I have several plans...

Plan 1 - Move to Edinburgh and share a flat with Martyn and Arlene, my cousin and his girlfriend. This would help them out financially and give Arlene company seeing as Martyn is still actively serving in the army and he's away sometimes for weeks or even months. The only downside is either they decide to start a family or like my grandad pointed out, what happens when I enter a serious relationship? It would just become awkward.

Plan 2 - Find work abroad. All my life I've always wanted to work on a cruise ship and I think this might be my oppurtunity. I don't even care where I start. I'd happily be a cleaner or a pot washer! It'd just be fun to get the experience.

Plan 3 - Stay in Ayr and get a menial job that doesn't make me happy but means I'm always with my friends. This is lower down on my list as you can see...

Plan 4 (and one I'm not too keen on) - Come back to Doncaster and find work here. This, however, might bring me back to my family but I'd have no friends because no one here even bothers with me any more and the sad part is I don't care because I don't really try with them either. Bitchy, right?

Ah who knows. It's just safe to say that after this year, I'll be a graduate and the world will be my oyster.... oh boy.

Cry Me A River

2011-09-09T00:33:00.003+01:00

I know it's been a while and I also know that this blog is going to be one of pure bitchiness but I need to let it out so I am sorry on you guys!

First thing that's happened is Toni.

Toni is Mitchell's girlfriend and if you can all remember, Mitchell is Barry's best friend. Well Toni is Chris's ex-girlfriend, Chris being Lauren's new boyfriend and the mess we've found ourself in is ridiculous.

She's spreading shit about Chris being a wife beater and after watching David beat the shit out of Lauren I know that Chris would never smack Lauren around because a) she'd kill him and b) the whole family is on watch so to spread shit is harsh and totally unnecessary.

The sad part is knowing that Mitchell now wants nothing to do with us any more because he believes her. I love Mitchell. I think he's simply perfect and is like a third brother to me but this has totally shown me that he's one of those people that cares more about his relationship status than those that have been like family to him since the beginning. It hurts.

I personally want to find her at college tomorrow and beat the shit out of her as that's what she's been spreading but has blamed Chris instead. No one should mess with a family that has been brought together through something as traumatic as knowing their best friend has beat the shit out of their younger sister believing it would be a way to make sure she loved him forever because it makes us possessive and aggressive.

Secondly, Dad is fifty in October and everyone is planning a surprise party.

HOWEVER, my dad hates things like that and tonight he has turned round and told my mum that if a surprise party happens then their 21 years of marriage will be over because he will leave her for not stopping it.

THIS, however, means I'm in charge of making sure no one surprises everything because he will genuinely leave my mother and that's not fair because she has tried to stop everything from happening.

I hate being the oldest that has to fix every thing. The one that becomes the bitch because she's picking fights here there and every where. I hate my life right now.

In good news, I passed my exams so I'm back to university for my third and final year. God knows what I'm doing afterwards.

Sorry for the depressing post. I hope everyone has had amazing summers.

Changes, Pipes and Graduations

2011-07-29T13:37:00.007+01:00

"Do you know since you went to University, you've changed. You're... I don't know... bleugh now."
"What do you mean by "bleugh"?"
"I don't know. I just called you tubby and back before, you'd get upset about it but now you just laugh about it."
"Well Bradders, I've realised that you just need to be happy in yourself and yes, I might be overweight but I'm still beautiful."
"Yes you are."

THIS is the conversation that I had with my twelve year old cousin, Bradley. Bradley was a terror when younger and did take great pride in calling me names especially concerning my weight but since leaving to live in Scotland the two of us have created a rapport and now every Sunday when Lauren babysits him, I'm there too. We can now cuddle up on the couch and watch things on the T.V like Desperate Housewives or Terminator as we watched this week. He's now extremely cute. I'm happy this change has happened and especially seeing as Aunt Diane, Bradley's mother, is someone that we can always talk to and she'll keep it secret unlike others!

I finally got out of the house last weekend and spent the night at my Aunt Kath's house. Aunt Kath was married to my Uncle Jim and is Jessica's mother. She, however, moved to Scotland long before they got a divorce and she had never really been into family moments so being told that I'd been invited to spend one night at her house was a shock to the system. It was a great giggle though because Aunt Kath went out with her new husband, David, leaving Jessica and I alone. We made dinner or I did - Jessica having never being taught how to cook - but it was a case of pick what you could find so we had hash browns, chips, sausages, macaroni cheese and eggs with a can of Pepsi Max before working all the unhealthiness away with an hour or two on the Just Dance.

I was meant to go home the next day but Aunt Mary, Jessica's stepmum, asked if I would keep her company that day at this fete they were going to as Jessica, Martyn and Uncle Jim were playing instruments in the pipe band. Of course I went. I love Aunt Mary too much to say no. It was a great day out. It was like walking into a small village from the sixties. It was awesome. I always enjoy seeing them play their pipes and drums. I didn't, however, enjoy the sun burn that I got from hanging out in the sun all day but it was good to get out the house and be with family.

The video isn't that good and you can only see Martyn as he's the one dressed in red, his army platoon colours. The sad part was Martyn was given the solo of "Amazing Grace" later on in the afternoon and his bagpipes mucked up. I've never seen him so sad or want to run into the arena and hug him so much. Thankfully some of the other pipers noticed and started playing to save him. They were all supportive and said that even professional's make mistakes so he shouldn't beat himself up.

Last but not least, my older brother graduated this month. He's now finished at University and is a fully qualified accountant. It's just slightly upsetting that dad couldn't go see him as obviously his mother and stepfather went but at least Marie, his mother, took photos for dad!

Well I think I've bored you for enough now. I hope you're all having great summers!

tiptoes back in

2011-07-15T00:02:00.007+01:00

Well nearly a month has been and gone since my last blog. I know I make empty promises of amending my lack of blogging but it seems I never do... Damn.

So what has happened since?

Well my baby brother had his prom night and it was such a nice treat to see him in a suit instead of a kilt. Being from a family that is half Scottish and half English but the Scottish side being the more party animal one, we've only ever seen Barry in a kilt but mother finally won this year and everyone agreed, even the Scottish side, that Barry looks dashing in a suit.

His prom date also looked extremely dashing in her green dress! It was so cute.

They also had this exciting mode of transport! How jealous was I seeing as this is my dream vehicle. He had a good time.

Again, I'm taking part in JuNoWriMo. I enjoy writing under pressure. I have two story ideas on the go, one that would lead onto a family series because every romance writer needs a family series and they're always my favourite. Here are the two blurbs for the stories that I'm writing (obviously draft)

This is the family one:

Welcome Home, Soldier

Aaron "Newsie" Newstead fled from the small village thirteen years ago to join the army. At only sixteen, everyone thought that he was making a mistake but it turned out to be everything he wanted and more. However, his contract has ended and he has to return home. He's shocked to learn that everything has changed and that everything includes his high school sweetheart.

Marilyn Cannon is the nurse the Newstead's have hired to take care of their dying father. Despite being the teenage girl Aaron loved and left thirteen years ago, she's never really forgotten him and when she finds him sitting at his kitchen table with out a word of warning she can't help but feel that jolt of electricity that had alerted him to him in the first place.

However can she forgive and forget so that she can welcome home her soldier?

Building Bricks

Scout Crowson is the head of Crowson and sons, a business that buy old buildings and restores them or just builds brand new buildings, since the death of her father and five brothers. The latest restoration, Davenport House, not only brought along an old building but the grandson of the man that owned the business who is determined that not only does the house belong to him but so does she.

Campbell Davenport is a rich child that has his head firmly set on his shoulders. He had been going to night classes to learn about how to restore old buildings so that he could build Davenport Manor back to how amazing it once was but to his dismay, his grandfather sells it to a chain and he's determined to get it back. She, however, shocks him by offering him voluntary work so that he can do all the work that he wants to.

Can she keep this relationship strictly platonic?

Yes, that one does need a better title but that's good enough for me the now. In my next update, I'll give a tiny sample of the writing!

Raise your hand if you're excited about the end of Harry Potter that has started now? I'm slightly emotional just like everyone else. I used to say when I started reading "adult" books that I'd outgrown him but I was lying. Harry Potter is probably the only part of my childhood that I shared with my father and it's sad to see it leave :/ I'm excited to see the film though! I do believe I'll be one of the goons crying.

I'm out of things to say now... I think my life is just that exciting.

How is everyone's summer coming along?

The return of a irregular blogger...

2011-06-17T02:54:00.006+01:00

Oh my... It's been a over a month... How do I let that happen?!

Well my lovely bloggers, I'm back home again with my family and oh boy, is it awkward. The family are all trying to understand my decision to drop out of teaching and the only one that gets it is my siblings. I really need to just keep moving forward and stop allowing everyone to upset me because I'm happy with my decision to drop out. I really am. I thought it would distress me but I'm actually happy just to float about the way I am - I know that's not a cool plan but oh well!

So I'm back with the siblings...

And I'm not going to lie, it's simply fantastic. I love being home with them. Lauren has a new serious boyfriend, as previously mentioned, but this one is that serious she pretty much lives with him. I don't even care. He's simply adorable. I do love him. I'm happy for her. I feel as if she deserves a break. The last boyfriend was my best friend and he beat her to a pulp and destroyed her life. This one is under the thumb, not even kidding, and loves just hanging out with us in the house playing her stupid games on the Wii. He's shy but Lauren had already pre-warned him that I was crazy. To meet him, Lauren had organised a game of bowling for Me, her, Barry, Jessica and Bradley to attend. So he was literally out weighed but we had an awesome time!

Just in case you don't work it out, this guy ^^ is the new boyfriend

So Daddy dearest found out about the tattoo and my new piercing in my ear and freaked out. I, however, finally stood up for myself and told him that I was nineteen and could do as I pleased because I didn't live under his roof at the time which was always his argument. He's always had an issue about tattoos and he did say that if he had seen someone else sporting the joint tattoos that Lauren and I have then he'd have thought they were extremely sweet and honourable but because we were his babies then he was pissed. I'm not going to tell him that now I don't want to be a teacher anymore, I plan on getting a few more. They will, however, mean something. I can't stand pointless tattoos. And I'm planning on getting more piercings in my ears. He's gonna kill me :/

Ah now I need something important to blog as this blog has been pretty much me bitching... ah profound moment, why do you hide from me!?

I'll reserve that for my next blog. I hope it'll be soon.

I hope you're all having awesome weekends/summer holidays <3

Change of Plans

2011-05-09T19:55:00.000+01:00

So I'm officially a university drop out... Well. Sort of.

I dropped out of the teaching aspect and I am now going to stay on this course for another year before taking a year out to work in an old folks home before doing a post graduate course in social work.

I know that I was excited for so many years about becoming a teacher but after working at being a teacher and realising that I can't stand it, I've decided that it isn't the option for me.

After a fight with my parents, we've all worked out that the main importance is my happiness and now knowing that I never need to go into a school again has given me this.

I love having a back up plan.

I'm back :)

2011-04-15T02:01:00.002+01:00

Hello my beautiful bloggers!

I know it's been a long time and that's because the stupid university internet wouldn't allow me on here but I'm back!

This is, however, going to be a short post and I promise to write a more fulfilling post at the weekend. I was just so excited and wanted to show all my lovelies these...

The beautiful orange one belongs to Lauren and I have the purple one. An hour and a half of pain but I'm sure we'll love them forever <3

I hope you're all doing well and I'll be going to quickly read your latest blogs the now! :)

Home Now, Please.

2011-02-26T14:31:00.004Z

Oh boy, it's been a long week. It's been too long since I've been in class every day of the week! It was actually quite different as it means I wasn't wasting my Tuesday and Friday sleeping like I normally would and I actually found some of the things we did interesting - plus two hours of drama is my idea of heaven!

So we went out again last night, raise your hand if you're surprised, and it sure proved that even if the music and the atmosphere is completely rubbish you can still have an amazing time if you're with your friends!

There are obviously loads more photos but I don't want to bore you with photos that look the same as last time! However, the night came to a crashing halt when I got a phonecall off Lauren with her in tears because she'd gone out herself and got a little drunk but her darling ex-fiance decided to play mind games with her so she was distraught. She rang me to tell me that I needed to come home and that I was a bad sister for leaving her behind to move to Scotland. It's a good thing I know it was the drink talking or I'd have been a state. Thankfully she woke mum up so mum took care of her :/

I go back home on Tuesday for a whole week :') I'm so excited! Well that's not really the right thing to say due to the reason I'm going home but I just am. I just think I've missed my family too much even though it's only been a few weeks.

I now have the hard decision to make of do I want to go see Grandad in the chapel of rest? Mum says that thanks to the illness he had he looks really bad and that it would be a last mental image but a part of me feels guilty for not having been at home to say goodbye. It would be nice for me to go to the chapel and say goodbye, no? I doubt that'll be the image I'll remember. I'll remember the random moments and the conversations we shared.

Last night was the first night I think I've ever mentioned Grandad to the girls and it's just weird thinking that I wasn't that close to him when I'm extremely close to Grandad Oakes... I don't even know why it is but it just is! I suppose it's too late to worry about it now and I'll just smile knowing he's back with nana.

Curl Yo' Hair

2011-02-21T00:41:00.003Z

Well I decided to be brave and check out what curls would look like with my new fringe. Boy I was impressed! I actually love the outcome and the amount of compliments I've received has been awesome! People who didn't even like me in high school have been telling me how gorgeous/confident/brave I am! It does a lot to my confidence hearing things like that.

Friday night was possibly an amazing night out. It was the first time I ever got changed with a friend (thanks Sarah for the experience!) and we had a giggle as we waltzed to music such as Michael Buble around her room. It was awesome.

I didn't even drink that much because I knew how much of a state that would leave me in. However, I did wake up on Friday morning feel simply awful but getting up to go to my Uncle's sure wasn't that bad.

UNTIL... They went and told me to get realistic and realise that Lauren and I wouldn't be friends forever. WHAT?! This girl is my baby sister and my best friend? We used to be enemies and put each other through hell. I tried to tell my auntie that we'd been through too much together to not stay friends forever but that didn't seem to deter them :/ I don't even want to think about it really!

We finally got the post mortem back on grandad. He had a weakened heart as well as sever bronchitis (sp?) and emphysema (sp?). We should all just be thankful that he's in a better place now and no longer suffering any pain.

Tears Would be Nice

2011-02-17T00:42:00.002Z

I know that's a weird title but I've not really cried over my grandad yet. I had the outburst when I first learnt and this morning when I opened a "With Sympathy" card that my lovely flatmates had bought me but apart from that, nothing.

It just makes me feel like a horrible person. I know the reason it's not hitting me is because I'm so detached from the rest of the family thanks to being so far away and I know that's my fault. I made the decision to come all the way up here even with events like this obviously going to happen so I need to accept that but it just doesn't work like that.

My parents are trying their best to keep me in the loop and making sure I'm not doing anything crazy like getting blind drunk or thinking horrible thoughts, Dad even said he'd drive up and spend the weekend with me but I declined because mum needs him more than I do.

I went to Glasgow yesterday and bought a simple black top to wear to the funeral with a grey cardigan and a little owl necklace. It's depressing knowing I went on a girl's day out with the main thought being that I need to buy a funeral dress. Well now that's out the way, I can focus on something else like tidying my room.

I know I'm in a rut and look bad because people keep commenting on how I look like I've been up all night but I just can't be bothered to put make up on to make myself look good! I suppose my grief is just turning into pure bitchiness.

I'm sure next week when I'm home again with the family it'll be real and then the floodgates will open but until then I'll continue to seem heartless to my friends...

Goodbye Grandad

2011-02-15T00:01:00.002Z

Well just when you're sitting down to have dinner with your friends in the union, the first two classes over the day and you get a text off your dad saying "Are you free to talk?" you know there is something going down. I know I talk to my dad all the time but this was weird. So I sent back "Talk or Text??" because sometimes dad just likes to randomly have text conversations with me but he simply text back saying "No. We need to talk." So I went outside and phoned him.

Grandad Ward, my mum's dad, passed away in the wee hours of this morning. So while everyone else was bustling about Valentine's Day, my family at home have been struggling with this. It hit me at first. I was a total wreck and if Sarah hadn't have been there to hold me I think I'd have been a lot worse than I was. I know this might sound heartless but then I stopped crying because I knew that that wouldn't get me through the day and I still had a group project to work on and a class. Grandad wouldn't have wanted me to let everyone else down so I focused on my work.

I was fine until my best friend text me saying that she'd hold Grandad in her prayers but she didn't ask me how I was handling it so that made me cry a little in class. It was held in. Thankfully.

I also went to speak to my head of year meaning I have permission to go home for three days when it is the funeral.

It has sunk in yet, unlike the double vodka's with coke and the pizza that we had for tea, but I'm sure it'll sink in eventually. I'll be a mess and I'll have Sarah here to catch me.

Maybe that's the hardest part? Being afraid to fall when I have no family around?

Well Hello There...

2011-02-11T18:14:00.000Z

Helen yesterday...

Helen today...

That's right faithful readers, I finally took the plunge and snipped my hair! It was long overdue and I think it was time I changed my boring cut that I always have so it was time for a HUGE change. This is what I got :)

HOWEVER the hairdresser asked me what brand of hair dye I used because she refused to believe it was natural. It did come to the conclusion that she thought it was gorgeous and she was going to buy it so kerching! Haha...

I know it's been a while since I blogged but this one is just to focus on my lush hair :)

ENJOY YOUR WEEKENDS!

BOOM Said the Alcohol

2011-02-05T22:57:00.003Z

So last night was the first night out in like weeks and boy did we all have a great giggle. There isn't many of us in halls right now so at first it was just me, Ash and Steve but because they're boyfriend and girlfriend Shonar said she'd come out to be my date for the night - ain't she a cutie? We all sat in the living room to get ready - which was a definite case of Poor Steve because we were doing our make up and our hairs while he was sat there looking like he wanted to take a gun to his head. A flat filled with girls aint a place for a bloke. However, we were then joined by Jarrid and Sarah who were also coming out now.

The nightclub was heaving meaning we had a great atmosphere which is a key element to a night out. I would like to say that even though I got wasted *sighs* I didn't fall over. That makes me godlike! I'm a genius. It was awesome.

We met up with some more guys in the club and thankfully they were at hand when we were being attacked by the usual old sleaze balls and that seem to have the sole aim of pulling a student. It was such a giggle!

The night ended with a bang though when Steve started fighting with Ash and it was awful. I played my mummy act and calmed him down. How much does he remember today? Fuck all. It annoys me. Ash promised me that she'd make sure he was aware of how uncomfortable he'd made me feel though as a punishment for his idiocy. I think we're all becoming one big family. I like it.

The photos will be uploaded eventually but as I've lost my camera, they're in Steve's capable hands :)

Today was a lazy day where we watched CSI and movies with a chinese. We spent all day in our jammie's drinking tea. It was bliss. I love days like this :')

Taking Every Last Piece

2011-01-30T20:06:00.003Z

So this is never going to get any easier on me, is it?

This one subject is going to bring me down to my knees and have fat tears strolling down my cheeks for years to come. I thought I had more strength than this but apparently not.

Grandad got rid of Rambo, the family dog.

You're probably thinking now come on, that really can't be upsetting you? It's just a dog because I wouldn't blame you if you were because it's the same things I keep saying to myself to try and control the unhealthy emotions that are rising inside of me right now but it's not working.

I'm bawling like a baby and just feeling so hurt and betrayed.

That dog belonged to everyone but everyone also knew that it was my baby. He always gets excited when I come home from University and it just always manages to put a smile on my face and now it's gone.

I know the next thought is totally unfair of me to think but I'm going to speak it out anyway. I blame Maureen. She keeps putting these silly thoughts into his mind and then he goes and does them. It slowly feels as if Grandad is deleting EVERYTHING that was a part of Grannie's life from that house. I know their just possessions and it's the memories that count but that's just crock. I have no memories of Nana and that's because there are no photos around the place or bits and bobs for you to smile and say oh that was Nana's. Mum's dad doesn't even bother with Christmas decorations anymore! I don't want it to be like that with Grannie. I want to be able to walk into that house and feel as if she's still present.

Oh god, why would grandad do this? He should have known how devastated it would leave us. I'm not the only one heartbroken. Lauren and Jessica too...

It's been a long time since I've associated my moods with wanting a drink because I've learnt that being in a bad mood and adding alcohol doesn't work but right now all I want to do is get drunk and forget.

Helen's Back...

2011-01-29T05:25:00.003Z

So the illness has completely disappeared after a few torturous days. My poor Aunt and Uncle didn't know what to do with me while I was there at the weekend seeing as I didn't have the energy to push little Poppy off me when she bounced on my knee and eating was totally out of the question because the idea of food was making me even worse. It got that bad that the top drawer in the bedroom that I use at their house was stashed with food that I was making them think I'd eaten! It's sad knowing that I can hide my eating habits from my family but once a bulimic always a bulimic, right?

I had my first solid food meal again on Wednesday night when I shared a meal with Sarah which is all good! She's been a great friend this past couple of days while I've been ill and I have to admit I'm eternally grateful because being ill when you're miles away from home is actually heart breaking.

Speaking of my family, my father's cousin died a day or so before Christmas and it's totally raised difficult topics with my parents. The cousin's mother couldn't sign him out of the morgue because he has children that are over sixteen and that raises those stupid questions in my parents mind of what happens when they die? According to British law, it goes to the son that's over sixteen or the daughter (the son obviously being first which really pissed off my sexist beliefs) but then does that mean Barry, who is both my parent's son, or James, who is just my dad's? My parents for years have been talking about writing wills where I'm named in charge of all their affairs because, not judging James, but I would be fair. I'm the oldest child of the two of them so shouldn't I be the one that's left behind with the responsibility of the funeral and their affairs? I honestly wouldn't mind if Barry got it because Lauren and I would obviously help him out. We're a three now and will be forever but James... It's such a complex situation and not one you really want to discuss with your parents when they're not even old enough to be discussing leaving you but seeing as the cousin wasn't much older than forty, it does make you question certain things... Gah, it's a morbid subject right?

Classes start again on Monday and I really need to sort out my sleeping pattern seeing as it's now 0530 in the morning and I'm writing a blog because I can't sleep, at all. I'm on the last aired episode of Castle and then I'm going to attempt sleep but no promises.

Through my boredom, I've also curled my fringe... I think it's a good look. I really should do the 1950's thing more.

So I'm going to attempt sleep now as I'm out of things right now to ramble about. I hope you all have marvelous weekends!

First Class Bitch

2011-01-21T00:44:00.003Z

It is official that when I am ill, I'm a first class bitch.

I'm actually in that bad of a mood, I didn't even want to talk to my parents when they phoned me and that NEVER happens. I always love a good chat with my folks but tonight I was nearly in tears at the idea they'd phoned me and wouldn't hang up. I actually think that makes me practically one of the worst daughters in the world! Even worse, they're not going to ring me back now until Monday/Tuesday and even though I know this, I'll still worry that I was a total prick to them tonight and upset them. I'm such a tool.

Thankfully, I'm getting away for the weekend again meaning I won't get bitchy with my flatmates because you don't need a bitchy person living in a flat with ten girls. It just doesn't work out right. No siree. So a weekend with my uncle and auntie should just hit the ticket.

If I'm not better by Monday (when I come back), I'm going to make myself an appointment with the emergency doctor at the hospital because there has to be something wrong with my stomach for me to be suffering from the amount of pain that I am.

I'm also missing university. I know you hate it when you're there but I'm sick to death of having nothing to do in my days! I literally just lie about with no one but myself for company and it's driving my INSANE! I wish I'd gone home actually. Two weeks with mum and dad would have been great AND I'd have been home to go to the doctors to see what was wrong with me if the stomach pains had started at home. Silly me!

In good news, my healthy regime has officially started. I was up at nine am this morning so that I could go to the gym. Yes, probably didn't help my sore stomach but it made me feel good inside :)

I'm now going to curl up under my covers and read for an hour or so because I'm too WAHHHHH to sleep right now so maybe reading will tire me out.

I wish you all have marvelous weekends.

Feeling Alone in a Crowd of People

2011-01-19T02:47:00.007Z

This week the emotions seem to have been really hitting me hard.

Thursday, I went out with my friend from halls and her boyfriend. It was as awkward as I imagined it would be because obviously the minute they start dirty dancing together where do you go? I should always remember my mental number one rule of NEVER GO OUT WITH A COUPLE UNLESS THERE'S MORE THAN JUST YOU AND THEM. It's just awkward and they never EVER seem to notice just how annoying and frustrating it is. I mean, if it weren't for the fact that he disappeared I'd have been stood to the sidelines for most of the night! He also kept trying to paw at me for moments of dancing even though Sarah has told him time and time again that I have a few issues when it comes to being touched. I know he's not a creeper or some loser but still it's frightening for someone to randomly grab hold of you on a dance floor. I felt like such a cow after pushing him away and she took great pleasure in making sure that he knew I was afraid of him being near me which I think also makes things awkward between me and him!

I spent the weekends at my uncle and aunt's house so that I could a) get away for the weekend and b) get some family time in. You really realise how much you miss family after you've been with them for weeks and then you're yanked away again. It was good to see them and they always make me giggle even if we don't do anything completely exciting. We literally spent most of the weekend lounging about in scruffs and playing with the new puppy, Poppy! It was fabulous. I was actually a little heartbroken that I had to come back to halls.

Sunday night was a disaster! You'd think that I'd have learnt by now that things aren't the same as last year. I've blogged about it enough so you'd think it'd be as clear as day but apparently not. I felt like such a spare wheel. One part of the night I was left alone looking after everyone's drinks so they could go dance! They always make me out to be the total bitch because I never make an effort to go see them but sometimes I'm just in a total CBA mood because they never make an effort with me either... It's a vicious circle and one I can't see ending soon.

I'm in agony, guys. I have god knows what ripping away at my abdomen and to top that pain, I've been cursed by my yearly visit by the coldsore gremlin and boy does this one hurt! I'm thinking that the safest thing to do because the pain is making me a hormonal bitch is to hide away in my room, shove my face in my pillow and scream it out. It's total agony!

Thanks to the assignments being over, I've gone back to my writing obsessions. I have written for new fandoms, I'm enjoying my writing again and I'm even starting to think about new story ideas. I think that's fantastic personally seeing as normally after assignments, I'm fed up of seeing my computer and the idea of writing! I'm also enjoying reading again - minus the fact I picked a beast of a book to read. Why am I obsessed with Stephen King again?!

Apparently I'm meant to be going into glasgow today shopping with Sarah but with the way I'm feeling with my lip and stomach, I much doubt I'll be fun. I'd also like to point out she's text me organising it at 0100 expecting me to a) reply and b) jump because she's told me to. She only wants me because her boyfriend is bloody working. I swear to god if she touches my door today, you guys will be getting my regular updates while I'm serving time at Her Majesty's leisure.

Right. I'm away to apply lip cream and go to bed. I think the biggest thing on my to do list is tidy my bedroom as it's really upsetting me that it's in such a state.

Hello 2011 :)

2011-01-12T15:22:00.008Z

Well... I'm a neglecting blogger at the minute! I do apologise sincerely.

I hope you all had a fantastic Happy New Year and brought 2011 in with a bang! That's totally what needed to happen this year :')

Mine wasn't that amazing. No. That's a lie. It was still good despite the fact I was working and it was tiring but we still had a giggle flirting with all the old men (me more than Lauren, obviously). However at the bells, we weren't there with our parents and Barry wasn't there either so it was a little heartbreaking. I know, I'm nineteen and my siblings are eighteen and sixteen now so I should be getting used to the idea of celebrating big things like New Year without the family being there but damn, it's hard. There were cases of tears and everything. I am going to blame it on being extremely tired and frustrated with our boss though ;)

I know you hear this all the time but I'm falling even harder for Maureen. I didn't think it was possible to actually love Grandad's new girlfriend but it really is. She's so damned cute. There was one night when Lauren was trying to convince everyone to go up to the bar for and eventually Maureen did it even though we'd all been telling Lauren that she needed to do it herself. It's been a long time since I laughed like that and it only really happens when I'm with the duo that is Lauren and Maureen trying to annoy Grandad :L Dad also met her really well when he took us all out for dinner as our house isn't big enough for the whole big party things. It was so much fun :)

Feel a bit of a bitch now though because I didn't really make any effort to see any of my friends when I was back. I just didn't think woo friends time! I did see Claire and she took us on a spin in her brand new car. It was such a giggle. She's fantastic. I also met up with Lindsey several times and that was good. I also got awesome Christmas presents off her including a CSI mug and a david duchovny keyring LOVE LOVE LOVE! It was great.

I also went to see Burlesque. Guys, if you did not go see Burlesque then you are missing out! It was fantastic! One of the best musicals I've seen in a long time. And plus, I have a massive girl crush on Cher so why wouldn't I go?! It was awesome.

We hung out as a family. You're all going to be like whaaaaat? at that comment because we actually hang out as a family quite a bit but this time older brother James joined us. It was a fantastic night out. I do think we all get on much better now that we're old enough to have our own opinions.

Lauren also finally finished David. Two and a half years later, my beautiful baby sister is finally out of his depressing clutches and that, I think, is the best Christmas present my family got this year. And the son of a bitch stole her money, cheated on her and beat her up but I don't think I've seen Lauren so happy until she'd learnt that she had finally managed to tell him where to shove their relationship. I was so proud of her. Lauren, you're fantastic and I hope he's taught you a valuable lesson for your next relationship and that is that Helen is always right ;)

On my last Sunday, I kind of got drunk. I blame Lauren. She kept serving me. I also ended up telling Colin (one of the old guys) that he was my dream guy and that if he had a son to send him my way :/ I'm such a cringe. I even kissed his cheek. I actually do love Colin and the conversation had only started because he said he knew someone that had a crush on the rusty haired (I love this description of my hair!) barmaid and Colin was going to attempt to set us up but I told Colin it could only work if the guy was like him. Lauren would have killed me if she'd have been there for being a total cringe!

I'm now back at university working on my assignments. The one I'm working on at the minute is self picked and I decided to do a project on the Ancient Egyptians. I can't wait to actually get more work done to it lol.

It's great to be back with the girls and even though it's being a little quiet because of the exams etc, I do think we'll be party animals again soon.

The depressing deal of resolutions....

- Get healthy - started already. Eat healthy, gym, swimming ;)
- Stop being negative all the time
- Do something new with my hair
- Spend less money
- Cut down on the alcohol (wish me luck!)
- Spend more time with my friends when I'm home

What are your resolutions?

I hope you're having a wonderful start to 2011, my lovely friends x

Home, Sweet Home

2010-12-15T14:01:00.005Z

Secret Santa was fantastic. This is the only the second year I've ever done it because normally we do just buy everyone something but I had real fun. I got a girl I wasn't that close to (even though I am pretty close to them all) and seeing her face light up with her presents especially as I was so worried about them literally made my Christmas! From my lovely secret santa I got a box of Baileys chocolates (because they know its the only drink that really gets me drunk), a collection of nail polish, bracelets and a hello kitty necklace that opens up to reveal a clock face. I think it was beautifully picked out. Bravo Laoise!

While handing out presents, we decided to have a civil drink (meaning a bottle of wine each) meaning that I totally needed to go to sleep before my train that left at five am. I was asleep for half an hour before the lovely sound of the X Files rang out in my room causing me to literally fall out of my bed. I then spoke to my parents for about thirty minutes and decided that there was no point in going back to bed so I indulged in one of life's simplest pleasures. I had a bubble bath and read my book. I think that is one of the best things in the world to do, I love reading in the bath and can totally get lost in the book and come round to be sat in ice cold water. It's lush.

On the train, I killed my five hours with Season one of the Mentalist. That man is totally heaven! Simon Baker made my journey seem less painful and kept me awake even by this time I was close to comatosing on the train! I did, however, end up feeling rather hungry and the trolley didn't come through until it was my stop! Typical! However dad made me breakfast when we got back to the house.

I also went out to the pub straight after to breakfast (it's great to be back in there again!) to help dad and the other committee men put up the Christmas decorations. It was actually hilarious. By the time we'd got half way round the pub, the first half had fallen down so we had to start all over again. Thankfully we found a stapler gun and that helped us keep them up on the ceiling. A one hour job turned into three hours and dad took us home because I kind of fell asleep in the toilets and then nearly on the stage floor. I can seriously say I have never got that tired before.

So a nap won. I was going to try and last the day out and just sleep at night but dad said I should go nap and then I could go out to Bingo with grandad and Lauren if I wanted. And boy was I game for that! I slept straight for six hours. It was great. I even dreamt talking to Lauren but then Lauren pointed out to me that it wasn't a dream and I really did talk to her :L Whoops!

Bingo was fantastic. We snuck into the pub and bought grandad and Maureen a drink before Lauren called "Papa Joe" across the pub causing everyone to turn round and look at her. Grandad's face when he saw us was an actual picture. He's such a cutie pie! I even loved being there with Maureen. I have no idea how old Maureen is but she has granddaughters our age so she's pretty down to earth and had a laugh with us over the stupidity of sleeping in my dress and having ten minutes to change etc. It was a great night including when I won £20 on the bingo ;)

Getting home was hilarious because Lauren's plan was to get steaming even though she had college today. She was wasted and does look like crap today. My parents do say that Lauren coming to visit me in Scotland was one of the reasons she's a drinker now but meh, who cares? I love being able to hang out with my family and have a drink now. Beforehand we used to have to hide it because no one liked us drinking (we were underage so it was understandable)

So yeah. I'm back home. Tired still but totally enjoying being back. I just miss my girls already. They'd have been banging on my door right now trying to wake me up :L

Now I'm away to eat dinner with Grandad. Bye guys!

It's Christmas time... Here

2010-12-12T00:13:00.009Z

So we all start going home next week so we've started our Christmas celebrations as we'll obviously not be together for the actual Christmas time, which is kind of depressing as you should really start seeing these people as members of family after being together for so long - unfortunately, I haven't found that with most of them yet :/

On Tuesday, we went out for our Christmas meal. Which by the way is completely difficult to do with everyone being picky and then having a vegetarian in our midst. Also one of the girls dates a chef and he was pissed that we went somewhere else too but who cares right? It was our night and I think we had a good one even if we did end up on one too many glasses of red...

I do believe there are only so many photos you can get of people eating a meal :L However we played the "what's your favourite memory?" game and I couldn't think of one apart from meeting Janette so I felt a teeny bit of a bitch and expanded it to obviously meeting them all!

On Thursday, it was the Snow ball. This is obviously just a great chance to dress up and hang out with the friends in the Union. I had a great night and even had a sleepover with one of my friends from last year. I didn't much enjoy the ten minute dash to get back home, changed out my dress and head back to class on Friday morning though :L

We do Secret Santa on Monday so you'll possibly get the photos from that too :)

So now for the bitching part of the blog. I'm hating on my father and I'm not even home yet! So yeah, we obviously hit a bad financial path this summer and I don't really know how because I don't live at home anymore but to get him out of this financial hell, he's making Lauren pay for nearly everything! She needs to pay board, pay for mum to take her anywhere, pay for her own clothes etc and even her own things when they're out with the family! What's with that? However, that's not how board is meant to work. She's meant to be treated like an adult now because she pays her way but nope, dad still treats her like she's a child. I really think that when I'm at home I'm going to end up losing my rag over it because mum has told Lauren she's not allowed to say anything about it. I think it's completely stupid and totally selfish because dad can still go out every night and drink ten bottles of beer?! No way. I'm making that clear right now. I'm fed up of Lauren being treated like a waste of space and it's only happened since I left! Bastards. That's all I can say right now.

Home again on Tuesday and I think the first place I'm hitting is my grandad's :D

I got to see Martyn on Thursday. Him and his soldier friends did their freedom march in Ayr so I was more than happy to go see him. Yes, I did feel a little teary after he had to leave me but I was so proud of him. He looked fantastic in his kit with his bagpipes :') I also got to meet some of his friends to even though I do speak to most of them through text/facebook anyway. It was great.

Okay. I'm away to bed. Knackered. I have a messed up sleeping pattern and it aint going to get any better of the next couple of days!

fingers crossed

2010-12-08T07:41:00.003Z

So this time next week, I should be back in Doncaster asleep in my own bed.

The problem is the UK has been hit by snow and once again, the whole country has shut down because yet again another year has come and we've not organised how to survive during a snow storm meaning all the trains, planes and buses have stopped.

This could lead me in staying up in Scotland for Christmas. My friends parents have all said that I'm more than welcome to go stay at their houses for Christmas but come on, it's Christmas. I don't want to sound like a spoilt little brat but doesn't everyone want to spend Christmas with their family?!

So I have my fingers crossed, I've told everyone to pray for the snow to disappear or at least die down a teeny bit and then hopefully I'm home again :)

Now onto other news, I've not done much. I've done all my aesthetics work but have to work on my Skills in Context and Humanities assignments but I'm going to leave that for the Christmas holidays.

I'm a little annoyed over the aesthetics though because how it goes is that on random days, the teacher would pick to assess us and he'd tell us the week before so that we knew it was coming. However, those that didn't come in get to have a second chance but also get to hand their assignment in on that day too giving them an extra week. I wouldn't be so pissed about it if they'd been genuinely ill but I know from fact that sometimes its just because they had a hangover or they didn't want to go to the music part!! I think it's totally unfair that they get an extra week for not turning up for an assessment while I had to rush about getting it done for the new deadline. Gah!

It was the Christmas night out last night and as much as I love my new flatmates, it was totally not that awesome. I mean, they asked us to say our favourite memory of the year so far and I totally hit a blank because I don't have that many! I mean come on, by this time last year I had a full memory wall and had to invest in a box. This year I have like three articles on it just because we don't do anything! It kills me.

I can't believe I've been up two hours (after four hours sleep) and now my body has decided it's tired again. Team, I'm going to grab a few hours before tidying my bedroom.

Blog again soon x

Sleep Sleep Sleep

2010-12-01T00:21:00.003Z

So for the past nine hours, I've done nothing but sit in my bed and write because I remembered that today is the 30th of November meaning nanowrimo finished today and I only had 31000 words. Well by half past eleven tonight I didn't. I'm a nanowrimo winner and feeling so accomplished even though I'm knackered! I now have a word count of 54663 and when I get the site to load, I'm going to donate money because I'm lovely like that!

Right now in my life it's all assessment assessment assessment. I handed my art assessment in yesterday and wow, I'm slowly starting to get good at art. Nothing special like our Lauren or Martyn but enough to get me by and that's all that matters.

Music is in on Friday and despite the little hiccough the other week where I felt like saying goodbye to my career thanks to the bitch that is the music teacher, I'll think I'll do okay. Besides how much Music will I be teaching thanks to the specialist teachers (bad attitude I know)

I'm home again in fourteen days and hell am I excited. I want to be home with my family again <3

Okay so this blog sucks but I'll write a more extensive one when I'm not about to fall asleep on my keyboard! Love you all!

Merely A Second Thought...

2010-11-17T01:21:00.004Z

I should have seen it coming really.

I went from living with the girls last year to now being a twenty minute walk away from them. It was obvious that this year we wouldn't be as close but then again, none of us wanted to see it.

We obviously see each other in class but there are no more late nights watching DVD's or my boxsets, no more swapping stories or hiding out in my bedroom from the rest of the world and yeah, I'll admit it. I miss them. I really do.

But I'm fed up of being put out as the bad guy. They always make it sound as if I'm the one forgetting them but I'm not!

Take yesterday, one of the girls is disgruntled that they've already managed to work out who've they've all got for secret santa so they wanted to re-do it. She then turned round to me and went "oh Helen, you can join in with us" but I refused on the grounds that I'm fed up of being a second thought. She wouldn't have asked me to join in if it wasn't merely for the fact I was sat with her and one of the other girls when they were discussing it.

Pointing this out obviously caused a little bit of a slight disagreement and it ended with neither of us being right because they're determined that they always think about me but I'm the anti-social one because I don't want to go out drinking anymore.

Why does the only time we have to socialise is when we're getting drunk?

Wow. I bet you never thought you'd hear that coming out of my blog! I'm the alcoholic of the group! I suppose I'm just tired.

I don't know what it is about this year but I'm not really feeling it. I think it's because I lost Laura and she was my soulmate here. She was the one that understood me and the one that came to check that I was okay for me. I'm not going to say she was the only one that cared but at times, it feels like she was?

I've also seemed to have pulled my muscles in my legs because now it hurts to even walk! I actually woke up in tears this morning because of the stabbing pain. Fingers crossed it will go soon because it's definitely not adding to my mood!

Homesick?

I'm thinking that's what it is but not long left now and I'll be home for Christmas.

Insert Swear Word Here...

2010-11-10T23:06:00.003Z

So nine weeks ago, I broke my mobile as I've mentioned in a previous blog.

Eight weeks ago, my phone server lost my mobile but didn't tell anyone.

Six weeks ago, they told me they were still fixing it and that it was just taking it's time because it had been sent to Canada.

Four weeks ago, they had no idea what was going off and told me to come back at a later day.

Two weeks ago, the same shit as four weeks ago.

Last week, the woman rang up and they finally told her that it had been sent back to me within the first week and that it was apparent it was lost. They'd have to come to the decision if they could give me a new phone. I was told to come back in this week.

Today, I got a new blackberry that I was told to bring home and charge. I brought it home. I put it on charge. It switched on. And it's broken.

I'm not even joking. The phone is broken.

I'm actually RAGING.

I'm in that mood where I just want to burst into tears because it seems EVERYTHING is going wrong around me! Dramatic, huh? I know. I'm such a waster but oh well, I have the right to be dramatic over this stupidity.

I PAY £31 A MONTH FOR THAT PHONE PLUS THE EXCESS £25 FEE TO GET IT FIXED AND THEY'RE DOING NOTHING BUT TOTALLY PISSING ME OFF AND LYING TO ME AT EVERY CORNER!

That means I have to go back into tomorrow and demand to know what the hell is going on meaning I'll probably have to get another one. If they even DREAM about charging me the additional £25 fee, I'll be committing homicide. No joke.

GAH! Onto something cheery...

Grandad came yesterday and it was so funny! I was stood at the train gates with my brand new purple coat on and stuff. Poor Maureen didn't recognise me and walked straight on by. I was like... HELLO?! We went out for breakfast, Grandad told me that the sea air was making me look more healthier then I've ever looked in my life (I think that was a compliment mixed with an insult personally lol). I enjoyed seeing him. It was great fun.

I'm now bankrupt. No joke. I don't even know how I do it! It's always THIS side of the year as well where I end up penniless. THANKFULLY Lauren is going to lend me some pennies until I get some funds in but damn, how do I do it? Next year, I sell a kidney.

At the minute, I'm planning my New Year resolutions. I want a new lifestyle and I've decided that one of the things on my list is that I go teetotal because for how little I eat, alcohol has to be one of the main factors to my "obesity" as the doctors always keep kindly telling me I am. I think if I hit the nail on the head then I'll fix my problems. I've already cut out full sugar pop, crisps and other junk out my diet (apart from when it's an all day in class because then crisps are just damned useful!). I walk everywhere, I go to Zumba and even now do it in my spare time because I have it on DVD, I do pilates and yet nothing seems to be working and all my dietitians keep telling me is I'm obsese. Where's the help and support?

Now my posters have just fell down off my wall... Anyone else sense why I'm starting to think the gods are out to get me today?

I'm going to shower, curl up in my covers and not surface for a good couple of hours. Sleep is always the solution, right?

Stop What You're Doing...

2010-11-06T13:16:00.001Z

Because what I am about to say is pretty damned important...

I GET TO SEE MY GRANDAD AND MAUREEN ON TUESDAY!!

Okay so it's not really important or mega to you guys but to me it's the best damned news I've heard all year! Haha, I'm such a dope! So yeah, grandad and his girlfriend are going to come through to Ayr for the day meaning that he'll take me out for real food (I can't take eating crap anymore!) and it'll be so damned good.

Yeah, that's literally it for my blog today :/

I'd love to stay and chat more but my bedroom looks like a bomb has gone off in it and I think it might take several hours to fix SO that is my plan for today. Slightly heartbreaking that this is my plans for my Saturday but oh well, I could be doing worse things like... homework?

I hope you're all having a lovely weekend!

Lauren's Stay

2010-10-31T13:40:00.010Z

So I haven't blogged much, again, but here I am to tell you that me and Lauren had a good time here. I can't remember us doing much together because typical for Scottish weather, it threw it down every day and it wasn't even a little rain, it was complete storms so we pretty much stayed locked inside!

Bless her, she hates the trains. I, however, love knowing that I'm getting to be on a train for six hours. I always have so much fun! I talk to the people around me, watch films, stare out at the countryside and I always manage to write when I'm on a train. I totally need to just get on a train sometime when I'm lacking motivation.

I think the best thing to do is show you photos from all the nights out...

Night One!

This night out was her first day here so she'd been on a train all day, I'd dragged her out to a restaurant for dinner giving us both an hour to get washed, ready and pre-drink. We failed but it was a good night minus the fact in the first club the DJ blew up his decks so we all had to leave and ended up in the 80's bar but that's my favourite club so all was okay :D

Night Two...

This night was lame. The rocker bar has been done up so it was all chique and it had stolen away the crowd so the place was dead and so was my camera so not many photos :/

The best part about this night was that me and Lauren left early with Erika so we decided to go sit in the local chip shop where we got chips, cheese and garlic (that Lauren spilt on my brand new coat that you can see her wearing because she was cold!)
and had an actual giggle with the man that worked behind the counter because he's from the same area as us in England and he kept trying to mimick Lauren's accent. I do think that was the best part of the night!

At the weekend we went to our Uncle's house because he only lives two hours away from the halls and we had a great time. He's open minded and says what he thinks which gave Lauren the chance to get everything off her chest. I've never seen Lauren openly speak about so much. She let off all her anger towards our parents, Barry and our uncles and thankfully Uncle Mick was there offering her advice and just there for her to know that even if things are ugly then she's always got him. However, he did keep saying that when we found out the truth about his past, we'd hate him. Me and Lauren, drunk at the time, were desperate to tell him we've known for well over two years now the truth about him but we didn't have the heart because he was also drunk and it would have been an awkward scene so we've rang dad and he says he'll talk to Uncle Mick for us which he promised to do when we first found out. Oh well, this will be good for the family. Hopefully!

When at our Uncle's house, we decided that we were actually going to dress up for the University's Halloween ball and damn, we sure did! It was great... There are a lot of photos to come, sorry!

The photos just got more and more worse after each beer, vodka or jagerbomb :/ We were the only ones out dressed and everyone else were like "you realise halloween is on Sunday, yeah?" but the best thing is none of us even cared that we all looked ridiculous. I think it's one of my favourite nights out this year!

That night there were a few tears between me and Lauren but that's expected with that much alcohol. Lauren feels as if she has no one to talk to about anything now that I'm away and especially about Grannie but she understood after we snuggled and I calmed down her tears that just because I was hours away doesn't mean she can't ring, text or e-mail me! So that's all cool now. Besides, tears are the best medicine for everything!

Now after the week I'm penniless, tired and entering my sober month (a deal with my mum EVERY November) so I think that I spent my last week of drunkenness brilliantly :)

It was an amazing, messy week but who cares?

Now I just need to spend time restoring my bedroom and convincing the girls in my flat that I actually can't cook because now they've seen me do it, my no eating diet is out the window... Thanks Lauren!

I hope you're all having a wonderful weekend and I can't wait to see your halloween costumes <3

Over The Blues

2010-10-18T00:49:00.006+01:00

F A M I L Y

LAUREN COMES ON WEDNESDAY. And yes, the caps were totally necessary to the previous sentence. I'm just too excited! She's coming for ten days. I have my baby girl back in my life for TEN WHOLE DAYS! The excitement is high high HIGH! :D

I'm also hopefully going to be spending a weekend with my uncle so that I can get my posters back because being in halls without my X Files memorabilia is slowly killing me inside. When I said that I could survive I obviously didn't understand my own obsession towards them! So I want my walls prettified again!

My parents are back at their annual bitch fest. I swear, it always happens THIS time of the year when they start hating on each other. I blame the anniversary of Nana's death. I know that's harsh but it's always around that date my dad goes psycho on my mum. I think the woman was poison to my parent's relationship and I'm so glad they've lasted or I'd be conjuring her back and kicking her ghost ass (sorry if any of you think this is disrespectful!) It's so stressful that I'm not at home anymore to keep Lauren and Barry away from the fighting. Getting Lauren's texts always kill me because I want to be there lying in the bed with her promising that everything will be okay. I'm sure she'll be doing it now for Barry but I still feel as if I've deserted them!

F R I E N D S

Well this is an empty topic because they're all bitches. You know when you go to university and everyone says "oh you'll lose contact with your high school friends" and you're all "No! We'll last the long haul". Fuck that for a barrel of laughs. I swear to God, people have become such two faced bitches! I know they bitch about me and yet speak so lovingly on my facebook wall? GTFO! You know what, I'd rather you ignore me than pretend to be my friend. It's easier on the anger, you know what I mean, yeah? Good. So do it!

U N I V E R S I T Y

Thankfully, I made up with the girls from my flat and we're all best buds again which is much easier on the soul :)

Last Sunday we went out on the premise that we wouldn't get drunk. That failed when the alcohol was only 80p a drink. We literally got steaming. We actually fell over on the front green and spent twenty minutes rolling around on the grass in hysterics! It was one of the best nights out we've had!

Then we went out on Wednesday because it's our day off on Thursday. It was also the first time Sarah, my blonde friend, could go out with her boyfriend because their relationship finally had a status because he'd chucked in his girlfriend... long long story. I, however, managed to end up crying myself to sleep because the nightclub is normally where I go with my best friend from last year but she didn't make it into this year and now she never answers my texts. It slowly kills me inside :/

So this year in college we're doing "the students as teachers" because last year we were "the students as learners" but it's so much more fun this year. I actually enjoy getting up first thing on a Monday morning knowing that I have to start with P.E, Music and Art! I'm really enjoying Art this year. I can't draw for toffee but I've been getting up to so much! I've lost my work right now but if I find it, I'll let you see it :) However last weeks task was to go out and take photos of things we thought students could draw...

We basically focused on the theme of Autumn and had too much of a good time taking photos of trees but oh well, at least it'll be easy to wing about the "colours" and "nature". See, I'm so good at this teaching malarky ;)

So I think I've ran out of rambles apart from the fact that this Wednesday it's wear purple in memory of the boys that commited suicide in America because of the constant bullying that they received for being homosexual or because their peers believed they were. Please, wear purple and show to the world that there is spirit out there that we can get along no matter how different we are!

Second Year Blues

2010-10-05T23:12:00.003+01:00

So I'm hating second year.

That's not even an exaggeration.

It's not even the course. It's the people I have to live with! I bet you're all sat thinking but hang on, she said they were awesome in the last chapter? Well a lot has changed since the last chapter including hate mail pushed under my door :/

I actually feel like I'm living with the children despite being one of the youngest and it's really upsetting because all I want is to go home or at least have my girls from last year back!

I actually think what's pissing me off is I do everything for them. I take them out. I even took them out to a foam party on Sunday which has caused a mega allergic reaction on my face and do you hear me bitching? No. I look like a leper with horrible red patches all over my face and yet I'm the one getting the hate all because I have photos of them covered in foam?

Yes, that is exactly why they "hate" me and yes, they did use that really strong word that always gets me.

I'm putting a brave face on as I always do but I'm actually wanting to burst into tears. I had no idea that I was living with such people. It only took three weeks for their real colours to come out and let's just say, I don't like them :'(

However in fifteen days, Lauren comes up here so she'll definitely make that ten days bearable and then I obviously have the girls from last year. I think I'm just over tired and THAT'S the reason for the mood swings I'm suffering with because normally, I wouldn't give two fucks what anyone thinks and I most certainly wouldn't burst into tears over it!

Three weeks into year two... THANKS TEAM!

Well Hello Second Year...

2010-09-24T18:38:00.004+01:00

So it's the start of the second year and I'm living in halls again with a new group of girls (more on them later!) but thankfully the girls from last year are here too so it shouldn't be that bad right? Ha.

Well we all got into a big fight and that made me totally homesick! I was so considering just dropping out of the course and going back home to Doncaster. I was such a state but thankfully everything calmed down and like my mum told me, did I really think that a bunch of girls would go four years without having an argument or two?! I'm just glad we all pulled through <3

However, I'm still a little homesick. My baby was 18 on Tuesday and I couldn't be there and the bean text me while she was out on the town causing us both to get upset at the parties we were both at. Thankfully Lauren had David there to confiscate her phone (like I demanded him too) but I didn't have anyone because at the party everyone was sorting out their own emotional problems. It was a total wreck!

However, now that we're all on the right track. We went out last night and a good time was had by all. Unfortunately my camera broke during the summer holidays but thankfully there were some real good photos taken :)

So now as I've already mentioned, I'm living in a flat with eight new girls because one of the girls is from last year. I think we're going to have a good year despite the fact we're all so different. Thankfully they all speak English so no worries about having awkward moments like last year.

There are three Irish girls: Loaise, Erika and Aisilinn. One Canadian called Carmen then obviously the rest are Scots: Shonar, Eilidh, Alyson, Lauren and Janette. We've already bonded so I totes think that this year will be just as amazing as my first one!

I've settled into my bad eating ways. I've eaten nothing properly since I left home last Wednesday but that's mainly due to lack of funding at the minute but I'm still thinking over what that doctor told me! I am actually really confused to what she wants to happen because I've looked at diet pills and do you actually know what the side effects are?! I think she's having a laugh with that!

I broke my blackberry :( It got flushed down the toilet but thankfully it's getting fixed but I'm now stuck with this up-to-date touch screen phone. Can I ask what's wrong with giving a old style Nokia as a replacement phone? I can work them! Gah. I'm now taking GREAT care of my blackberry when I get him back :')

I'm now going to watch an episode of either NCIS, Dexter or Bones and then sleep because last night I decided to do an all nighter because I'm normal xD

I hope you're all well

You're Beautiful... But Fat.

2010-09-16T20:46:00.001+01:00

So I went to the local sex clinic to get my pill thinking that it'd be an in and out job but noooo apparently not. Instead I got weighed and then had the biggest rant ever. I actually have the conversation engraved in my mind...

Doctor: You realise you're losing weight slowly?
Me: That's how you're meant to do it.
Doctor: True but look, you're big and dangerously obese.
Me: Uhuh
Doctor: Look, you're beautiful. Your face is the perfect shape with gorgeous cheekbones, you have hair girls would kill for and yet you're fat. Could you imagine how beautiful you would be if you were thinner?
Me: Um...
Doctor: I know it's hard for a girl your age. We all suffer with large appetites.
Me: Actually, I rarely eat.
Doctor: Sure. There are methods now to get you stick thin.
Me: Okay
Doctor: I'd suggest dieting pills
Me: Really?
Doctor: They're the best thing for you. They help you lose weight and some of them help turn fat into waste.
Me: Have you not read the stories where people get addicted to them?
Doctor: They're dramatised to scare people away but sometimes it's a good thing to get addicted to them. They really help.
Me: Well I suppose I can do some research into them.
Doctor: I'd advise it because if not you're going to end up with diabetes or even worse, die of a heart attack in the next few years.
Me: Thanks *tears now falling*
Doctor: Oh I've upset you now but it needs doing. A healthy girl your age never bothers to go see the doctor so your sex clinic advisor is probably the only one who is going to tell you the brutal truth.
Me: I'm fine.
Doctor: It's not fine though, is it?

And then it just went on and on with her telling me that it wasn't fine, I needed to stop it now. Gah!

You know what, I used to be an ashamed fat person. I wouldn't go out, I didn't wear clothes that revealed too much and I looked awful. Now I try my best to look fantastic. My only fear now is my arms. I don't give a fuck about the rest of my body. I'm never going to be stick thin like my friends and personally I wouldn't want to. I still get attention of guys and girls, I feel happy in myself even as I diet and eat next to nothing. All I could think was well if that's your issue, I'll quite happily return to my bulimia ways for you sweetheart! I kept it secret beforehand, no one will need to find out this time!

I'm me. I'm fine the way I am. So I'm not stick thin, I'm too fat to be a plus size model but I'm me. I'm the bubbly Helen that makes everyone smile and feel good. I wear good clothes, make-up and curl my hair.

I personally think fuck the world and it hating ways!

Booyah!

2010-09-06T14:10:00.002+01:00

So this is only going to be a tiny little post because I don't really have anything to say... *thinks about it* nope, I really don't. God, my life is a dull!

Last Friday, I got the results of my resits. I had been panicking the whole way between sitting them and the results and thinking that I'd failed so I would need to have a back up plan.

HOWEVER, I got all B's. I am going back to University to be with my girls.

This year I am going to behave, stop drinking excessively and study so damned hard, it'll hurt.

Sorry for the short post, I'm sure I'll have something to write about eventually :/

So I'm Back So Soon!

2010-08-25T17:33:00.005+01:00

So here I am again... I know, it's shocking! I never ever write in this blog so often! I have a few things to write about :D

G H O S T H U N T I N G

So I went on that ghost hunting expedition and dayumm it was scary shit! I had a good time. At first, I didn't really believe because I was put in a group with the followers and I felt it was weird that they were the ones seeing everything. Do you not find it hilarious that I believe in the paranormal but to believe in humans, I need hardcore evidence? I watched a ouji board move, the tables topped and one of the women was possessed. I love it. I actually want to buy a ouji board and just do it with the people I love the most. I think they'd be pretty brilliant at it.

D E A T H

After my last blog, I found out one of my brother's best friends had passed away. He's just turned 15 and he died of brain damage due to having fallen off the back of a van and smashing his head on the kerb. I think it's shocking. It's a waste of life. He was the kind of boy that could make you smile. He was chubby and proud of it, cocky and in your face. He was a laugh! I love it :)

L O S T F R I E N D S

I spoke to one of my old friends again. She lives in America so it's rare that we get to talk but it was great talking to her again. She's always proud of what I do and what I have done. I told her my biggest secret right now and she was happy for me and wished me all the happiness in the world. She lives her life through me which is cute. She's older, a single mom to a child that has so many problems and yet she makes it sound as if I'm one to be proud of. I'm proud of her. I think she's high on my "to meet" list

C H A N G E S

I've decided that everything that was said to me years ago, I'm not going to listen to. I'm not going to allow my old friends to upset me anymore. So what if they think I'm ugly with my hair up or they think I'm the dependable friend? I'm going to go crazy and stick my fingers up at them. Lauren last night took control and forced me to wear my hair up again even though it's something I never allow to happen anymore. The end results were great and we had a giggle.

W I S H E S

Only a month until I go back to Ayr. I kind of want to go back now. The thrill of being home is wearing thin and besides the faster I get back to Ayr, the quicker Lauren will be up there having a good time with me and the girls <3

I think that's enough rambling for now. I hope you're all having a lovely summer/new start of school!

One Years, Birthdays and Funerals

2010-08-22T23:01:00.008+01:00

So it was the big one year on Tuesday. I was actually a lot stronger than I thought I would be. I wasn't snappy with a single soul or a crying wreck because after all that's what Grannie would have wanted. Like the guy said at the funeral we went to,

"don't cry tears over the loss, smile at the memories that you shared"

and despite thinking that it's a horrible thing to say, it's the truth! Sure there are going to be times where I'll think she should be here like if I ever graduate *sigh* or if I ever decide to get married. I know the latest massive secret I'm holding in, she'd actually LOL at but that's for a much later blog ;)

On the same day, we went to Peggy's funeral. Peggy was a dear old lady that was the grandmother to one of Barry's best friends. We had gone on holiday with them, spent endless hours curled up talking to her and watching things on the television. How could it be humanly possible to have to say goodbye to someone just as important to us on the day we lost the most important person of all? That's fricking irony!

That was the only time I completely lost it. Mum and Dad couldn't make it to the funeral because they were working and all week I've been ill so we didn't think we'd go because Lauren and Barry said they wouldn't go without me to be there with them. However on Tuesday morning, I woke up and despite vomiting my guts up, I decided that we were most definitely going. We wore our best gears, struggled to walk in heels and caught a taxi to the crematorium - the taxi man was NOT impressed that we were alone! We stood in the little chapel, all three of us holding hands with tears falling down our cheeks as we said goodbye to Peggy and what seemed like Grannie all over again. We burst into fat hysterical tears after giving John (the friend) and Lesley (his mum) a hug and we had to make a quick departure. We're so embarrassing at times.

Well another year of my life passed but I couldn't do anything with my friends because I didn't want to get wasted on the Tuesday because that would have been a mess and besides, the people I'd really want to celebrate it with despite my family are all up in Scotland! I was also ill and I mean really ill, a whole week later and I'm still curled up in bed wishing that I didn't have to get up at times for work. I'm sure that eventually I'll get better.

I did, however, get wasted with Lauren on a mixture of drinks. Fat Frog (basically a mixture of alcopops and vodka), vodka jelly shots and beer. We were actually wild that night we did that!

Now that I'm over 18 my family aren't into the whole present thing but this year both Lauren and Barry both tried (bless barry, he forgot though and wrote me a simple IOU!) but I have to admit that even at 19, I do believe that Lauren's was the best present in the world!

She got me a teddy bear factory panda that she christened male and named River. She also put him in pink clothes knowing my obsession with Drag Queens and how I want to move to Las Vegas/Blackpool to be friends with them all! I think it's pretty damned thoughtful. As was the cake which had one of my number one obsessions on it... PENGUINS!! Oh how I love them so <3

Now I've got to settle down in to the whole getting ready to go back to Ayr thing so if I don't blog a lot, I'm sorry!

Home Sweet Home

2010-08-13T11:11:00.002+01:00

So I'm home in Doncaster again and it's all gooooood :)

Grandad is, however, going back to Scotland on Sunday so that he can be with Grannie on her anniversary. Her ashes were scattered over this hill in their hometown so he's going up there... I said we could stay longer to make it easier on him but I think he just wants time alone and I think it's something he doesn't want Maureen there for which is totally understandable. He didn't even tell me, I worked it out and then listened into him telling dad... A whole year... wow!

I have NO idea how my exams went but let's just say I'm now tired from the endless hours of revision and having to travel to and fro on trains. You have no idea how tiring it is until you actually do it! Guh! I slept for 10 hours last night and still grumbled when grandad woke me this morning at five am. Sleep is my new best friend. If I've failed them again, I've decided I'm running away with the circus or moving to Vegas. I think I'd make a good British pimp :)

Tonight I'm going ghost hunting with Davidd. So expect an excited blog tomorrow because this is something I've ALWAYS wanted to do! Ah, I love the paranormal... I just need to go UFO sight seeing and my life will be made <3

Last thing before I disappear off to random things like my washing (ooooh the domestic life!), one of my characters has been nominated on this website! I'm so so so so so so happy because it's my first story to ever get over like 30 reviews (it has 109 so far!) the fact that people read it makes me SMILE!

Check it out :: http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2709685/1/The_Millionaires_Proposition

The noms website is http://thewallflowernoms.webs.com You should totally check out the other stories. My friend has two stories nominated too (castiel89!)

Until tomorrow, x

This That and The Other

2010-08-09T21:23:00.003+01:00

Ah so it's been a wee while since I blogged so I have quite a few things to write about...

F A M I L Y

So I'm back in Scotland again meaning I'm camping out at my uncle's house for the fortnight that I am. I do love this aunt and uncle up here. I do think that's because I hardly see them so they can't annoy me. The other night we stayed up 'til six am just chatting about family. They're the only family members apart from Lauren that actually listen to me when I bitch. Obviously my parents do but they hardly listen, no offence to you guys!

I'm loving Maureen even more. She's apparently touch-y feel-y with my grandad but they have the decency not to do it in front of us guys. I think that makes them brilliant and really considerate. I'm not saying I'd mind if they did but I think we'd needed to be slowly integrated into it. Really slowly. I can't wait to get to know her more.

It's a year next week. Can you believe that? A whole year without my grannie and I'm still going strong. The family were betting that I'd go senile and even attempt suicide. I think the move to university making new and even better friends are what kept me strong. The distance between me and the family made our relationship stronger and I guess I do have Grannie to thank for all that. She was the one there pushing me. A whole year... Wow. I'm proud of me :)

U N I V E R S I T Y

Take two on the exams I failed at Christmas. It seems that no matter how much studying I do, it seems to just go in and then out again. It kills me how useless I am. I'm going to slave and I swear that nothing is going to stop me. If these exams let me down then I swear I'm moving to Vegas. So let's wish me luck guys!

R O M A N C E

Well Lauren and David hit their two year anniversary the other week. I'm amazed. Not that I didn't think they'd make it but this is my baby sister! She's brilliant an' all but she never really did the relationship thing. Two years later and they're still going strong. Maid of Honour, I'm telling you ;)

Barry also has his first serious girlfriend who is LOVELY! Me and Lauren went bowling with her and him (I know, how cool are we not?!) the other week to meet her because Barry always likes our opinion because that's how close we are! I swear to God, I hope she and Barry have something like David and Lauren. She's brilliant for him. She might tame the wee so and so!

I sound like a proud mum! I'm such a cringe!

Maureen

2010-07-22T22:45:00.002+01:00

I don't know if I've already mentioned this but I finally met Grandad's girlfriend. Well actually, I don't know if she's his girlfriend because he never calls her that but I feel it's kind of a unsaid thing... Okay this turned out to be a rambly opening, ha!

Well I've met her is the point and she is fantastic!

She doesn't even try hard with us, it just comes naturally. She has a laugh with us and everything! The other day she was listening to us talk about what Barry wanted to do Mitchel's mum and she actually found it hilarious! She joins in when us girls wind Grandad up. I mean yesterday grandad said we couldn't go to the shop to get ice cream and then she just turned round and told us to go, telling Grandad to stop being mean! She's a god! She's even coming to Scotland with Grandad and I next week!

So yes, for the girl everyone thought would hate the woman because of how close I was to Grannie, I actually really like her and am grateful that grandad has someone to have with him.

And besides, he's stopped being snappy with us! He normally snaps at us a lot but now he's a lot more happier. I think we owe her a lot :)

I have a new best friend xD

Book Hunt

2010-06-26T01:10:00.001+01:00

As you may or may not know, I'm a book whore. I love them. I have a collection that's overspilling in all rooms of this house and I never throw them away so I still have my childhood books too.

However after a few years of getting lost in worlds of torture, detectives and murder I've decided that I want to read a few classics.

I read Wuthering Heights last year when Grannie was ill in hospital and I loved it so I was deciding that I'd progress.

Right now, I'm being sucked into the world of Little Women by Louise Alcott ^^ but I was mainly wondering if you, my lovely readers, would suggest classical books that you all love. It'd be basically like a list of what you'd say should be on the list of books that you should read before you die!

All suggestions shall be read! I plan on reopening my membership with the library again so the possibilities are endless!

I look forward to your suggestions :D

Barrels, Missing Loo Roll and the guys

2010-06-21T15:31:00.003+01:00

So I started my real shift yesterday at the pub. Thursday nights are just holiday cover. My actual shift is Sunday, 12-7 at £7 an hour. I think that’s pretty damned good for a first job!

I had great fun yesterday. I dressed casual because it would be too warm to wear anything else and then I had help from Derek, my older boss, to set up so that I knew the ropes and everything. Derek’s really quiet though and kind of keeps to himself which has given me the impression that he doesn’t like me but my dad has assured me that Derek does like me and thinks I’m great but it’s just how he is. I’m sure I’ll be able to convince him to come out of his shell eventually.

I thought that I’d have Derek’s support all day but apparently he goes home mid-afternoon and he did without telling me! So I thought I had Derek’s help when the barrel’s stopped working and when the ladies toilet roll disappeared – how do you run out of toilet roll in FIVE toilets!? That’s unlucky.

However, I managed to change the barrel by myself – after first putting it on an empty barrel, getting excited that I had managed to do it without drowning myself AND then realising that it was empty *pouts* but I did manage to put it on a filled one okay. If Karen (my female boss) had been there, she’d have been proud of me because she knows how much I panic over doing the barrel change because I hate the idea of being drowned in beer... It’s not an appealing thought and I’d already had a drink spilled over me so I didn’t want a barrel to explode over me!

Thankfully one of my dad’s friends was in (who calls me sweetheart in his Scottish accent, makes me grin every time!) and he helped me hunt down the toilet rolls. We hunted in the flat upstairs, the back kitchen, the office and even in the artists room when he remembered that there is a store room in the gents toilets. He stole all my keys and tried to get in before realising the one set of keys he’d left on the hook was the right set.

My main issue is... Who puts a damned store room in the gents toilets? That’s poo if anyone who’s not a gentleman is on and a Sunday is one of the busiest afternoons for gents, it’s not as if I could keep walking in and out to the store room! The guy who designed the place sure makes me laugh!

I met Jamie, the barman that takes over from me at seven, and we had to inform him that the police had been in for him twice looking for him. The police came back to talk to him and all but it was still whoa, first day and the police are in. Great!

I didn’t find out what had happened until later on when dad told me. My favourite boss, Dennis, kicked the shit out of his partner in the pub and he’s been arrested. I love that guy! He’s just so funny and he’s always there to help me! I actually felt like crying when my dad had told me because Dennis is the one that’s always there for me and he always bends over backwards to help me! If you ever met Dennis you’d understand why both me and Lauren were shocked. He’s so damned small... It’s scary thinking that someone like Dennis could kick ten bells out of someone! He’ll probably get fired from the pub and stuff now which really upsets me “/

Now back to Jamie. My dad and his mum (Karen, my boss) warned me that Jamie has no problem flirting with anyone and apparently he’s a huge fan of BBW’s (which to you and me means big beautiful women) which got me all, thanks for saying I’m big guys but I know that. However, no matter what anyone says, Jamie is hilarious to work with! He’s not the sleaze they painted a picture of, he’s just your average guy that flirts AND he’s a huge detective whore like me. He was trying to see how much of a fan I was and listed all of the ones he watched and I was like I’ve got them all on DVD, you’re not going to beat me! I like knowing that I have banter with him because that makes the day go quicker!

He has told dad that he’s worried his own children (his eldest daughter is 15) are going to turn out like me and Lauren and we’re like, hey we’re damn cool! My dad told him that even though we’re pains, he couldn’t ask for any better daughters! I think me and Lauren could have died on the spot!

I also got my wages from Thursday night. I got £29:00 and it might not be a lot but damn, my first ever wage slip. I’m framing the buggar!

So all in all, I think I was meant to be a barmaid!

Well If You Forget That It Tastes Like Burnt Lemons...

2010-06-19T12:45:00.002+01:00

FUN TIMES

So the new adventure that me and Lauren have decided to take on is baking... And we suck. No joke. Our first conquest is chocolate brownies! And we've failed TWICE.

The first time, the middle part stayed gooey but damn it tasted good with ice cream (no joke! me and barry really enjoyed it!) and then the second one, Lauren put lemon flavouring in instead of vanilla essence so then it was a completely lemon tasting pudding AND then we burnt it. Hence the wonderful title of this chapter...

Dad, however, really enjoyed the second attempt. But mum says he really loves lemon so that might be it and Mitchell enjoyed it too. The next big aim is to make chocolate brownies that everyone can enjoy. Once we conquer this, we're going to make a batch for Grandad because he always bakes us cakes and no one ever bakes him anything! It's so not cool!

FAMILY TIMES

I saw my aunty Mary again the other day since Christmas and damn, she's still looking as young as ever. She's a total bitch over that. I don't recall how old she is but I know she's 40+ and yet I think she doesn't look a day over 30. I would love to look that good when I'm older! No joke. I'd love to be as classy and to know that I've lived life the way she has!

I miss gramps now though. He's been at Leven for a week! I want him back to harass. It was so cute though because he rang me on my mobile (waking me from my sleep but I'll let him off with that one) just to tell me that he was okay and enjoying Leven's weather. He's got sun whereas we've been lucky to get sun!

Grandad W is out of the hospital again but I've not been allowed to go see him because I've been ill all week and I was never allowed to go see Grannie when I was ill so I've made the same rule apply. I don't want to be responsible for grandad getting whatever bug that's decided to infect me but once I'm a 100% again, he's going to get some Helen harrassment :D

WORK TIMES

OHEMGEE! I love working! No joke, it's fantastic! Not only that but every time some sleaze comes on to me, I just pull the oh that's my dad sat over there card and they all brick themselves as if they're afraid of my dad even though he's the biggest softie on this planet!

My first real shift was on Thursday and I opened up! I've got keys, the lot! It's fantabulous. All the people I work with have been telling dad they've never met someone so naturally suited to the job because of how fast I picked it up! I love being there and I think it's going to be a fun summer working there :D

FRIENDS

So I've not seen any of my friends yet since coming home *pouts* but I'm sure once everyone is back we'll be hitting Donny town again meaning that I needs to find my camera which has gone MIA so that I can have loads of wonderful photos!

I'm missing my Ayr bunch though. We talk often through facebook or BBM but it's not the same. I'm so used to just being able to run upstairs and sit with them in their living room or one of their rooms! Well I'm back with them in August for a week.

Good times!!

It's Good to be Home

2010-06-14T02:04:00.005+01:00

It's good to be home again.

Yes, me and my dad are both close to murdering each other but if that wasn't happening I don't think it would feel like home to me because me and him have NEVER seen eye to eye on ANYTHING so... I'm glad moving away hasn't changed anything and I know this is just the way we show our love for each other. I'm just hoping he'll be nice to me some time soon or maybe that would scare me... I'll let you know if it ever happens!

I am slowly getting cranky though... I think it might be due to having to settle back down into my dad's rules again. It's hard work. If something isn't done to his method then he's yelling at me and even saying I don't want something to eat is like suicide. You'd think I was turning into someone with a disorder the way he acted. I'm starting to wish I'd stayed in Ayr.

I am having an awesome time with my siblings...

These photos are us getting ready to go to Barry's football presentation. It's the first time Barry has ever looked half decent and then we arrived and his elderly coach was in the EXACT SAME OUTFIT. Barry nearly died, bless him. But all the football mums agreed that Barry was hotter whereas me and Lauren were like "waaaah?!" lol.

I'm just glad to know that we can still have crazy times but I don't appreciate that my baby brother is only 15 and is half a foot taller than me! I actually tried to pick him up and he nearly killed me!! Phoar... Lol. It has to be something in the genes!

Our nights now consist of watching Glee, CSI and then playing on the CSI for Wii. I'm so glad they're turning into geeks like me. We were SO happy last night when we cracked the case. We had it guessed beforehand (despite all my imaginative suggestions which caused them to die with laughter... I should write CSI, I'd make it so far-fetched xD) but still had to find all the clues. You get such a rush of happiness as if you've actually put away a real criminal! Wow... I am a geek!

I finally have a job. I work as a barmaid in an old man's pub. It's mainly just Sundays but at £7 an hour, who's complaining? And besides the old men are such charmers. One of the regulars already has the nickname of "girt" for me and one little old man has told me that if I stay long enough, he'll teach me how to play the piano! My dad says he's never seen me so comfortable because he knows I'm really shy and yet put me behind that bar and I'm in my element. Why am I going to university again? I think I've found my talent. I love being with people!

Speaking of university, I passed the second half of my exams which proves I can do it when I put my back into it. So bring on these resits. I'm going to thrash their asses! No damned joke. No more failures. That's my aim for year two :)

Grandad Ward is out of hospital again and he's seriously considering the old folks home. None of us can stop him but I just wish he wasn't so negative about the whole dying thing. I need to go see him. He's the main reason I came home due to everyone telling me they didn't know how long I'd have left with him and they said they didn't want to ring me to tell me that he was... it's dreadful just thinking about it! It doesn't get easier with age! I think I'll be this bad when I'm old and grey!

I also think I'm losing my special relationship with Grandad Oakes and a real petty side of me wants to blame Maureen but I know that's wrong because I've never seen him so happy. Whenever she rings him, he grins like a big lovestruck teenager and it really makes me wonder where I'm going wrong!

Wow, this blog hit depression pretty quickly! I think I had best call an end to it soon or I'll be a mess before I go to bed and it's already nearly half past two!

Last comment... Writer's block. What a damned bitch!

I hope you've all had wonderful weekends!

Phonecalls

2010-06-09T01:15:00.003+01:00

Well this is going to be a short post because I'm not really in the mood to write/rant/speak and that's not because it's quarter past one in the morning and I've been up since seven am yesterday morning. AND my laptop is broken - AGAIN!

So I got some interesting phone calls lately.

First one. Cold. Several times. Whoever it is trying to freak me out and can go rot because when I find their scrawny arse they'll be sorry. I'm never in the mood to listen to some freak breathe down the phone at me! Hello, it's weird! If you're going to rack up a phone bill at least TALK TO ME! Some prank callers just don't understand the fun of the game.

Second one. A man trying to arrange collecting his home hub. I was like what? I'm a teenage girl just home from university and I know nothing about a home hub. It turns out after a thirty minute argument (how come I always get these phone calls when I'm alone?) that he had typed in the wrong number. Once again, no issue to me. It was his phone bill and I like talking to strangers. Makes. My. Day.

Third call. Some old woman thinking she was my grandma causing me to be sharp and all, look I have no grandma. Check your phone book and DIAL THE RIGHT NUMBER! I swear someone is handing out our number in booths or something... It's ridiculous!

The fourth and final call is important though. It was my aunty Carol. Grandad has been rushed into hospital again. I don't want to sound mean but this rarely upsets us anymore hearing this because he's in there at least once a month these days with difficulty breathing so we all thought oh this is just another routine call. Oh no. Grandad thinks differently.

Grandad is arranging to stay in a hospice because he thinks that his time is up and he says he doesn't want to die at home where one of this three baby girls could walk in and find him which is totally fair enough! I can understand him doing that but at 18, I'm still not ready to face death straight on. I'm an absolute dork.

Oh well, overanalysing isn't going to help me. All I can do now is visit him regular, make sure that he's happy even if he does go to a hospice where he can... die. His happiness is all that really matters now, right?

Home Again

2010-05-31T15:39:00.002+01:00

So I'm home again and it's the same rollercoaster ride as before. Me and my dad are at loggerheads ALL the damned time. I actually burst into tears with my mum saying how I'd forgotten how much of a dick he could be at times. I blame him for how pathetic I am with men. I never let anyone get close because I don't want anything that will turn out like my dad! Yeah... Embarrassing, day three and I'm already going psycho!

However I shall love my dad a little due to him having arranged for me to get work experience at the pub he goes to every night because due to living in a seaside town there are plenty of pubs there. After all this, they might be able to give me relief work if they're ever short of staff. I love this :)

Grandad Ward is apparently more ill than I believed. Uncle Dean says he's horribly thin and my mum and aunt diane (sisters) were nearly in tears just trying to tell me that I shouldn't expect the same man I saw at Christmas. It's stuff like that that makes me wish that I hadn't gone to university so far away. Mum says he's still got a while to go but the tears that were in her eyes weren't so promising...

Well I've now got to unpack my suitcase and fight back the urge to kill Lauren because she's done nothing but be a miserable get since I got back... Hormones, aye?

Train!!

2010-05-28T06:51:00.004+01:00

This is me sat on the train in Glasgow Central. Five more hours from now and I'll back home in Doncaster with Barry thankfully meeting me at the train station due to me having four bags and all of them weighing an absolute tonne! If I'd have had to do it on my own, I'd have thrown things away, I'm telling you now!

So what am I going to do with the five hours I have?

You guessed it!

I brought my trusty favourite, the green mile along for the ride :)

All Alone...

2010-05-26T20:24:00.002+01:00

How come I seem to end up going all Jack Torrance when I’m left on my own for only a few days?

Seriously.

I used to say that I loved being alone. Being alone used to allow me to get my thoughts into gear, I could write stories and then I could also watch whatever TV programmes I wanted. It’s how I’ve always got closer to my obsessions.
However that’s failing.

I’m literally sitting in my room, dying alone. Okay so that’s slightly dramatic. I’m not dying but god, I feel as if I need to get a severe life!

I’ve managed to watch all of Oz in like four days. That’s a record for even me! I’ve never blasted through a TV series because I normally get bored and enjoy switching through them every now and again. It’s why I have so many box sets (apart from my many love affairs with them). However Oz is pretty fantastic and I do think all of you should watch it if you ever get a chance. The actors all have wonderful chemistry causing it to run smoothly. Whoever thought that a prison drama could be so amazing!!

One more day left in my new makeshift prison and loneliness before I’m home but that’s something I can’t wait to do!

Going home means I get to keep baby Carrick who I can see from the photos is absolutely adorable and I love him without even meeting him. I just want to hold him and be all gooey over him! The mere idea that Cousin Leoni has matured enough to have a baby is fantastic because we all thought she’d be the one that struggled in life. I sound like a bitch saying that but awwh I’m still excited :)

Then there’s my first meeting with Maureen, grandad’s ‘friend’. Lauren has met her and she’s given me a lovely review of the woman so I assume she’s not that bad because Lauren is the one that was hit the worst when Grandad said that he needed someone to keep him company. She thought she was more than enough but whose he got after the lights go out and Lauren’s back home? I think I’ve become quite mature towards the woman without meeting her and I still think that my grandad is afraid of letting me meet her though so I’ll need to prove myself to him first. Bring on the challenge!

A summer filled with weight loss plans and I can’t wait to work on this. I have a private challenge with one of my friends to drop a dress size before we come back in September which will be all good so you’ll obviously hear all about that on this because I love writing shit on my blogspot or I would never write anything.

So I’ve rambled enough for you guys so I’m going to jog along now and probably do some writing before watching more TV and then going to my bed.

I hope you’re all enjoying the lovely weather that we’re getting :)

It's Really Happening...

2010-05-17T18:20:00.004+01:00

We're all going home! Some leave tomorrow, some this weekend and then me next weekend... How upsetting is that thought? I've started packing up my bedroom like my memory wall and my photos and posters are next! Followed by books and DVDs. The bedroom is slowly emptying and it's stabbing me inside. I might be grateful that the academic side of the year is over but why oh why couldn't this part have dragged?

We went out last night for the last time and we all thought we'd be big and brave so we drank double vodkas with dash, such fools! We had a good time and we all laughed so much it actually hurt!!

Tonight is going to be our last supper together and as a huge group we're going to make lasagne with garlic bread and various deserts with booze and stuff. It's going to take four kitchens, a fuck load of ingredients but we all know that it's going to be a good night! Bring on the drunk merriment!

I have a date on Wednesday with the guy that I met agesss ago. I told my mum to have the response "well just make sure your bedroom is tidy." Um... Do my parents have like no faith in me at all?! I thought I was their innocent one... Sheesh! Hahaa... She makes me smile :)

Sigh A Sigh of Relief

2010-05-12T18:03:00.004+01:00

So that's it guys. Year one. Over. The scary idea is that I've been a university student for a whole year. I'm now a BEd2 student - if I passed - and that's TERRIFYING! I don't even think I've matured over the year, I think I've slowly got worse! I've finally been allowed to party on down rather than have to look after Grannie or someone... that comment makes me sound bitchy but you know what I mean!

I now have three hard weeks of partying in the small seaside town before I go home so obviously expect a lot of my usual camera rape...

We went out the other night and I decided to wear new shoes. I looked good but DAYUMM it hurt when I fell over and my shoes went flying. I now have a lovely big swell where my ankle originally was and due to me apparently not drinking anymore, I'm putting off going to the doctor for as long as possible o.O

We're too damned crazy for this... Hahaa...

I'd like to write something extraordinarily deep and thoughtful now seeing as I never ever do... but that's because there is nothing but hot air in my head most of the time <3 mwahahaa...

I've got the hell that is packing up to start... I'm thankfully leaving all my belongings like books/DVD's at my uncle's that lives up here so I don't have to trek them down on the train but that's killing me inside slightly. I love love love my books/DVDs! I needs them like all the time... Oh wow... Where do I even start?

Killing Me Softly

2010-05-05T01:14:00.001+01:00

I hate hate hate diets.

You slave like a bitch and only lose a few pounds? Hahaa.. Okay, so I didn't slave that hard and I did drink more than I probably should have done but that's what Monday's are for as my grannie used to say... :/

Bring on the new monday which is technically tomorrow... My delightful doctor has now put me on some shit food diary which means I actually have to eat. No more weekends without food or she'll probably take me outside and shoot me!

Good news, I'm going back home for the summer so I'll be with the family for at least three months ♥ Excited muchly!

This is only a short blog because I'm meant to be sleeping. 01:15 am and I have to be up to teach little kids tomorrow morning? I'm a fool. A more extended blog soon.

Enjoy your week!

Doubts

2010-04-28T22:20:00.006+01:00

So I'm loving my new life.

I love the people I with. I love the crazy nights out. I love the crazy nights in. I love being able to do what I want when I want. I love being in control. I love knowing that I'm grown up.

What I don't love is the horrible gut-wrenching feeling that I actually can't do this! I mean, I've always wanted to be a teacher and that's why my parents pushed in the later years to make sure that's what I did but now that's how I'm feeling. I'm feeling pushed into this and that's not good.

My lecturer says if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind that you don't want to do it, then you shouldn't be there but I do want to do it. I've always wanted to do it!

I'm on my placement now and I'm loving every minute of it. The children in my class are wonderful and so friendly! What I can't stand is the fear that one of the teachers is out to get me and my placement partner. I've been complained about! They've said I'm too shy with the teachers which is probably true but sheesh, I'm there to make a impact on the kids NOT the teachers!

Afterwards I got home safe to my flat and burst into fat embarrassing tears while on the phone to my mum. My first words being "I want to come home" and my mum knew things were bad then because I never admit defeat to anyone apart from my diaries. I like to fight things out but I'm scared that this one might take the fight out of me.

On a slightly happier note, we went out the other week to celebrate the Scottish National and there being single men (we're such cringes!) but it was a good night had by all...

The best thing about the night... I pulled! He's 24, called Michael and has his own business. None of that matters but it's what I picked up from him there at the club. We've got a 'date' scheduled for when I've finished placement/exams and from when he comes back off holiday... Let's see how that rolls!

The New Me

2010-04-17T18:57:00.002+01:00

So I went to the doctors on Tuesday and the kind loving doctor made me feel like shite. YAY! She basically lectured me about being faithful to my phantom boyfriend and then called me obese... Yes, I had a great time. I now have to report to the doctors every two weeks until the day I die because she's expecting me to lose a SHITLOAD of weight and I mean a shitload... Oh and then she put me on the contraceptive pill because ALL students should be on it... I think I pulled the short straw with this shit... :L

So the P.O.A is...

- Cut out alcohol for a month *dies*
- Strict eating times INCLUDING breakfast
- Swimming at least two times a week
- No more junk food
- Walk more

So let's see how the doctor likes this strict plan and see how I manage to cope without my beloved alcohol!

This amazing plan starts tomorrow and as it's Ayr races today, we're going out tonight to get drunk and pull random men (oh the fun!) and then tomorrow, Hello new Helen :)

I hope you're all having lovely weekends!

Friends, Family and the Beach

2010-04-13T12:24:00.006+01:00

So Lindsey came for the week and we had a hoot. I've never been out and partied so much in my new small hometown! We went out on the Sunday to try and check out Shutter Island but it wasn't on (my bad check up skills :D) so we just went to a pub to drink before meeting up with the girls later on! It was so much fun! We did all the random things that you'd imagine doing.

I do think that the best thing is that all my flatmates love her. Well the C flat ones because she didn't really meet my actualy flatmates in B because I rarely see them myself... Weird really. I should spend more time with them!

So our last day together was so romantic... We went for a walk down to the beach followed by a meal in the Italian restaurant! It was great. It was literally like an ideal date minus the fact that we were with each other rather than a prospective partner. We then came back and curled up on the bed to watch The Green Mile. She didn't cry. Our friendship ended. Hahaa, I'm kidding but it did inspire an amazing drabble on fanfiction.net. Nice!

On the Saturday, we woke to catch the train because she was going home (*sobs*) and I was going to my Uncle's to spend the week with Laurennn!! RESULT! The BEST Easter present ever! However that didn't quite go to plan. The idea that we'd stay at my uncle's for the Holiday weekend and then on Tuesday we'd come back here because I had a doctor's appointment and it meant we could go clubbing on the Wednesday. Nope. Fail. Our 14 year old cousin decided to gatecrash meaning we had to spend the whole week at their place and it got on everyone's nerves. Like dad said, uncle mick and aunty mary aren't used to children and for a week they had three teenage girls?! Can you imagine the hell that we caused? Then me, Lauren and Jessica all got more snappy near the end of the week... Just typical! Then Jessica pissed me off by telling Grandad that she didn't want to come to the train station when it came to taking me to get my train home to Ayr meaning Lauren didn't get to say goodbye! I got that frustrated, I burst into tears on the train... I rang my mummy and she made me feel all better :D So even though there was the odd moments, we still had a good week and it was nice to see my grandad, lauren and jessica again!

I'm now back in university and it's like you know, all hard core work. I'm not keen on it but yesterday after a hard Monday of P.E, Music and Art (followed by History for me but more on that later) we decided to go to MacDonalds, grab a meal and go to the beach. It was so nice! You can tell the summer is here or at least on it's way. The beach was heaving with people! I actually love living in a seaside town :D

You know you're mature 18 year olds when you write... Good times :D

Guys! I've got dailybooth (www.dailybooth.com/freekydisaster_18) if you've got it, then follow me and i'll follow you :D

I'm behind on the challenge (we knew it was going to happen) so here I am with challenge three...

Favourite TV Programme: Cold Case

I hope you had a lovely Easter and you're all overmunching on chocolate! I'll blog again soon :)

Placement, Friends and TV

2010-03-27T12:58:00.003Z

So I thought I'd write a little blog to fill you in on the little that has happened during the past week - such an eventful life for an English student :L

I've fallen madly in love with Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit again. I got seasons two and three for Christmas off my auntie (who I'm going to love for all eternity now :D) and I swear to god, I put it on and it never comes on. I watched the 23 seasons in like two days! No wonder I hate going to class. It cuts into vital TV time! I've always loved it thanks to Det. John Munch (who also appears in the X Files and Homicide: Life on the Streets (or something like that)) I love it well too much! I swear, I'm going to have to find the Homicide thing just to get my Munch fill :D

So what else do I have to tell you...

One of the boys is an editor for a fiction magazine in the university and he approached me asking if I would be interested in writing a short story approximately 1000 words long. I was actually like crapping myself because I never allow people I know read my work. I post it online because strangers are easier to take criticism from because you won't hate them for it (not that I'd hate my friends but you know what I mean). I've read this boy's work and damn, he's good... lol. I'm such a douche. I'm going to go through my archives and find something to enter. I don't really care if he doesn't put it in. It's the same as the NUMB3RS nomination, I'm just happy that people thought about asking me. He's a real sweetie :D

Lindsey is coming to Scotland!! This is so damned exciting. She arrives in less than four hours so I'm actually meant to be making my bedroom presentable but I'm kind of distracted (damn having Phoenix back!) but I shall eventually tidy my room. There will obviously be many photos to post up of her week because we're hopefully going to go to the zoo because I've never been to one and I really want to go to one!! Really really want to go to one!

So my serial days finished yesterday. I've been giving P6 as my block class so that means for my two week block I'll be teaching 11/12 year olds! That's so damned scary. The kids are literally like six years younger than I am! I'm also really excited because I've met the teacher and I absolutely love her. She's fantastic and I know that she'll help me as much as I need which is fantastic. The class are wonderful with many colourful characters that love to mimic my accent which is actually quite funny and if I get one more "wow, can we call you Miss Oaktree?" one more time, then I'll giggle because it's just amazing how you can't put fear into these kids. This is why I want to work with the older kids, you can have a good chat with them... So... That's in just under a month. I'd best get some work done!

Well I can't think of anything else to tell you right now so I'm going to jog off... Oh no!

Lauren is coming to Scotland for Easter. I think that will be the Easter present ever :D

Enjoy your weekend!

Bag of Emotions

2010-03-21T21:46:00.002Z

HAPPINESS

I got my laptop back! I'm actually over the moon about that. I even forgave the guy for getting me out of bed at eleven o clock in the morning after I went to bed at five and had had a miserable night of sleep. It's so great to have Phoenix back in my life. I sound so sad but it's the truth. I have the internet at my fingertips again. I've got my story work again and even better, all my original work is still there meaning I didn't lose my photos or anything. That's the best thing in the WORLD! No kidding. If I had lost my photos, I think I'd have cried for hours.

Dad finally rang me again. He apologised and said that things had just been getting in his way. If he had known that I was upset over it then he'd have rang me. I should have realised that he was busy rather than avoiding me. I'm not a failure in my dad's eyes, I haven't been in a long time.

DRUNK

So we went out to celebrate St Paddy's Night/Laura's birthday and I am not kidding when I say that me and Vodka DO NOT mix well! It's an absolute pain. I got slightly depressed over my lack of communication with dad and then everything boiled over. It took one small thing to cause tears to be flooding down my face. Thankfully I managed to cover myself and Laura jokes that she's never seen someone go from manically depressed to happy as fast as I did. It was a great night! I'm just going to avoid drinking vodka a while. It's a lesson well learnt!

FRUSTRATED

I'm always ill now. It's annoying. Literally. I was never ill back home. I was always the stronger one. I'd never really have days off school (minus the ones I was skiving to take care of Grannie, anyone asks I was dying ;)) but here it seems to be all that's happening to me. It's constant. I swear to god, I might have to go to the doctors eventually but I'm not too keen on the idea of having to talk to someone about such shizzle. I'll be fine. I'll just take some vitamin-y shit. Will that make things better?

GUILTY

I haven't spoke to either of my grandad's since Christmas. How pathetic am I?! It's actually shocking. I finally rang Grandad O on Friday because it was his birthday and he said to me "just hearing your voice again has made my year" *tears start to fall* that man sure knows how to guilt trip you without making it obvious that he's guilt tripping you. It's an Oakes trait, I'm telling you! I'm going to have make more of an effort to stay in touch with them!

HEARTBROKEN

So while on the phone to my grandad he kept saying "what's wrong? you're being really off?" and I was like uhhhh grandad, you're just being paranoid? Well Friday night, dad rang me and gave me the motive to why grandad would be paranoid. He has a new 'girlfriend'. The quotation marks aren't me being bitchy and refusing to believe that she's actually a girlfriend because the older generation say it's more companionship. I obviously burst into embarassing tears. Literally. My dad had to tell me to calm down so that he could understand what I was saying to him and that I couldn't ever hate my grandad. I couldn't hate my grandad. No matter what he did to me. I love the old man more than anything but it's been seven months? Seven measly months? Hell, I can't even think about her without wanting to cry like a fool... I'm not selfish. I do understand that he needs someone to talk to and that he gets lonely due to me being up here and the others having their own lives but does his companion have to be female or a girlfriend?! My dad said this was an unfair comment because I didn't mind when Grandad Ward started to go out with Auntie Linda. HELLO! I was nine fricking years old when nana passed away AND me and Nana didn't even get along. Grannie was my life for like five years? I'm just terrified that everyone will forget about her because no one talks about nana anymore. I don't want to even accept she's gone let alone accept that I have a step-grannie... Dad says she's a lovely woman... I feel like a bitch when I say "I don't care". She could be Mother Theresa for all I care. She's not grannie.

I sound a bitch. I'm sorry. The emotions are getting to me.

Can You Give Us Five More Days?

2010-03-15T15:47:00.004Z

So it's day 21 with the laptop and I'm slowly going insane now. I got my dad to ring on Friday to ask them what was going off and they told dad to tell me to ring today. So I rang today. They said that they knew about the laptop and said it would take 10-14 days. I reminded them they'd had it for 21 now. They tried to make it sound like I was lying and I actually said, "Do you not think I've been counting the days?!"

I've never gone this long without my own computer/laptop! I'm not overly obsessed with it but it's nice to know that the laptop is there for whenever I want to do something like talk to my friends or write/read fanfiction! Sheesh, is it too much to ask...

Their response "can you give us five more days?" Which should mean either Friday or Monday because it's obviously working days they operate on. I think they're just stealing my laptop. Dad says I'm being ridiculous. If they've stolen Phoenix, I'm going to kick some geek ass!!

Second of all, I finally told my mum that I failed my exams under the strict ruling that she wasn't allowed to tell dad. The woman then went and got drunk on Friday (remembering my mother is normally a teetotaller, she doesn't like alcohol, so drunk for her is after 3 halfs of beer and 3 baileys then 3 baileys and soco together... okay, that's a lot of alcohol... MOTHER!). What did she do? Oh aye, she told my dad I failed! Dad asked the obvious about what did this mean and blah blah blah. My mum reminded him that I always fail first time round and then second time round, I pull my sleeves up and actually do work causing him to grunt a little more.

However, my father normally rings me every night at half past eleven (except for Thursday and Sunday) to have a little chat about absolute nonsense. I've not spoken to him since Friday. I know it's only Monday now but guys, that's three nights AND he knew I wasn't going out last night (i did but that's a different story) but he didn't ring! Why do I suddenly feel like I've let my dad down or something?!

Pfft... So it was Mother's day yesterday. It's the first one in 18 years where me and mother haven't been together! It's so weird being 5 hours away on days like that... Dad missed grannie. It was obviously going to happen. He doesn't normally do the whole card buying business (always left to mum) but he does always go round to see her and spend the morning with her. It was one of the few days where he made the effort so it hit him that he didn't make more of an effort when she was alive and no amount of me telling him that Grannie understood his schedule made it difficult, he still feels bad. It's a horrible feeling. It did depress me while I was out a little bit (this all came from mum btw, not dad seeing as he's not talking to me apparently) and in response, I threw my tea up. Not a nice thing and especially not when your drinking! It burns!

So I'm slowly running out of things to say now so I'll leave with Challenge two...

Favourite Film: The Green Mile.

I wont bother to put the youtube clip on because I already have and it distracted me enough the first time round. I love the trailer as much as I love the film! It's a fantastic piece. I wont do a review either because I got excited last time. I'll just leave with the staple "It's a must see!"

Enjoy your week!

It's Not Easy To Be Me...

2010-03-12T23:45:00.003Z

FAVOURITE SONG:

Superman by Five For Fighting (the title is lyrics)

I'm going to be truthful and admit that I've not listened to any other of their songs and I totally stumbled across this one by accident because its simply breathtaking!

LIFE...

So I don't know if you'll remember this but some time last year, one of my old best friends was raped and the case finally went to court Wednesday morning. He got away with it. It's heart breaking to know that our justice system is so shit! But I felt a little bit bad because I haven't kept in touch with her. I haven't kept in touch with many of my old friends and that's mainly because I actually don't give them a second thought because I've found everything I need up here... The friends I have here are more like family, literally. I love them.

I got drunk. A usual Helen trait and was joking about in my drunken state that I would just erase everyone (except my family (that's including Claire because she's my sister <3) obviously) and the girls were like "you're never going to get rid of us that quick" and I'm never going to want to get rid of them. I love them. How can you feel so close to people you've known for less than a year when I don't feel that close to anyone at home. It's great having this feeling!

So I think I'm out of rambling right now... apart from... 19 DAYS WITHOUT MY LAPTOP?! I'm dying here! Dying!

30 Day Challenge...

2010-03-10T14:40:00.004Z

So I have a tumblr and I'm taking on the 30 day challenge. I'm also going to link that onto here just because it'll give me motivation to blog... It'll obviously go over more than 30 days because this is me... but I'm going to give you a reason for each thing when I can be bother to do it :) I'm obviously going to tag all my bloggers to do it too!

Day 01 - Your favourite song
Day 02 - Your favourite movie
Day 03 - Your favourite television program
Day 04 - Your favourite book
Day 05 - Your favourite quote
Day 06 - Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 - A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 - A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 - A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

Nothing much has happened in my life apart from hitting bankruptcy but I have wonderful younger siblings who are loaning me money without telling our parents so that they can't give me the disappointed speech :) Do I have the most amazing siblings or what?!

University work is slowly getting more harder and more tiring but that's not too bad. I can take the workload... I'll eventually get a proper pattern *fingers crossed*

I've fallen in love with House! It's a fantastic programme! I'm already half way through season one! I'm literally addicted. I actually fell asleep watching it and woke up feeling gutted!

Okay so I'm going to get back to my work and then I'll do my first challenge thing for you all tomorrow :)

I hope you're all having lovely weeks!

Uh... hello again!

2010-02-27T21:43:00.002Z

So it has been 17 days since my last blog! We are 48 days into 2010 and I have written four blogs (five including this one). This is a disaster for me! I used to blog at least every two days! I'm now going to at least write one blog a week! I promise... One blog.

I love how I've been AWOL for seventeen days but I can't think of anything entertaining to tell you...

Oh wait, I'll tell you a little bit more about my failed exams. I got my essay back. It was apparently one of the best she's ever read but she had to fail me for a few reasons which did outrage me at the time but now I realise that she is just trying to help me and I should be grateful that she wants to help me now before it's too late. I also failed the other exams by one mark meaning it should be okay when I resit. I know what I have to work to!

One of my fanfiction stories was nominated for an award on livejournal.com. I'm not getting too excited because I have read the other stories and they're pretty damned amazing but I'm just happy that people are reading my work and think they're good! I didn't like thinking that I was writing to empty space. I know I'll always have my wonderful fans in the form of Lauren, Lee and Lindsey (all my fans have names beginning with L... I LOVE THAT!) but to know other people are also reading them... it makes me so damned happy!

My laptop is broken again (another reason for my long departure in blogging) so I had to send it away this time to get fixed and I've been without it for a whole nine days now... I'm slowly dying inside. I'm sure I'll get it back eventually but I have a vast empty space on my desk now and it makes me want to well with tears everytime I move into my room!

Anyone here have tumblr? I've just created an account and I'm still trying to work it out but I'm always happy to follow anyone and besides, I think the wonderful friends I have on here would have pretty insightful muses on their tumblr! www.freekydisaster.tumbler.com i believe is my url but don't hold me on it!

Now onto something personal to me. When I was younger I had a passion of just curling up and writing small stories on paper with a pen. I actually have a folder down in my bedroom that is dedicated to the stories that I started writing and never finished. I remember that my family used to bitch that it was a waste of my time but just before grannie died she said to me "helen, you don't write anymore. It's something I've noticed." I told her that I had been told it was a pointless thing and I didn't bother (all lies because you all know I'm still an avid writer, I just don't put pen to paper any more) and she was actually heartbroken. "It was one of your talents and passions. Why should it matter what anyone else says or cares? I miss watching you write. Your face would light up." She said that she hadn't seen that for a long time and it upset her... I'm going to start writing again. I've bought myself a small little notepad and I'm going to write a small story again. Even if it kills me! Wish me luck!

I think I've rambled enough. I hope you all have had lovely weekends <3

You're a Failure

2010-02-10T01:17:00.002Z

So I failed my exams :(

I know that in the morning I'm going to be able to laugh about this because I've always been told that I have a talent of failing the exams the first time but the second time I pass with amazing scores but I'm just fed up of being branded an epic fail the first time. I hate it.

I'm now sat in my room crying like a complete little girl but you'd think that I wouldn't even waste the energy seeing as I knew this was going to come. Oh well... I'm an idiot, we'll get over it!

Why am I even bothering to waste my time with university?

hangs head in shame

2010-02-03T21:46:00.004Z

Okay so I've neglected my blog again and it pains me but I promise to god now that I'm back in a settled pattern, blogging is going to be natural to me again :D

So I had a great time at home with Lauren as per usual. I swear to God you never realise how much you miss people until you come back. I came back to university after the two weeks away and I was like, I am never leaving you again *huggles all university friends*

As you all know (or I think I mentioned it) I went home for my cousin's 21st birthday so we did the stand old tradition of making and decorating him a cake. You're never too old for a grandad/lauren creation :D

That's our beauty. We decided to keep it simple for Martyn because we actually didn't know what to draw for him. So cool :D

That Friday night we went out as the family and I got pretty trashed. They all started talking about grannie and I got aggressive. I couldn't even breathe through my tears! I was that bad, Barry put me to bed and then Lauren held me until I fell asleep. Let's just say, I hated remembering that part the following morning.

One of the best things about being back home?

I hit the town with Claire. Claire is my best friend since the day we were born and I've never really done the night life scene with her no matter how old we got so that Tuesday it was literally only me and her technically still in the town so I went out with her friends. There was one or two problems but apart from that it was a fantastic night :D

I'm now back at university which obviously entailed us all going out. I see a pattern here. I really do think I'm turning into some kind of crazy alcoholic! That's never good! I'm sure I'll be able to sort things out.

I now know my placement which means I know where I'm going to be working. I'm thankfully with one of the girls from halls so I won't be alone <3

I'm away to my uncle's this weekend to pick up some of my clothes that he brought home for me last weekend because I didn't want to trek cross country with two suitcases on the train. It's a bitch to carry one!!

I'm also going to a sleepover (hopefully) in two weeks with Christy and Lee, who are my little best friends. If it happens you can expect a great blog and even greater photos. I'll talk soon. I'm tired now!

La Bella Vita

Already?!

21st Wedding Anniversary

This, That and the Other

My Saturday Night

Post Packages

Assignments Down, Exam to Go.

Freewriting

Assignment Torture

Back in Ayr

2012 Resolutions

Goodbye 2011

January Sales

Christmas Cheer

A Post About Everything

Christmas Break is Here!

New Hairstyle... Possibly?

Bullying Bunch of Bitches

NaNoWriMo '11

Don't Panic...

Let's Go To The Movies...

One Moment Please...

Happy 50th Birthday, Dad!

D Flat Back Together

Sick.

Back in Ayr

Third, and Final, Year Here I Come...

Cry Me A River

Changes, Pipes and Graduations

*tiptoes back in*

The return of a irregular blogger...

Change of Plans

I'm back :)

Home Now, Please.

Curl Yo' Hair

Tears Would be Nice

Goodbye Grandad

Well Hello There...

BOOM Said the Alcohol

Taking Every Last Piece

Helen's Back...

First Class Bitch

Feeling Alone in a Crowd of People

Hello 2011 :)

Home, Sweet Home

It's Christmas time... Here

*fingers crossed*

Sleep Sleep Sleep

Merely A Second Thought...

Insert Swear Word Here...

Stop What You're Doing...

Lauren's Stay

Over The Blues

Second Year Blues

Well Hello Second Year...

You're Beautiful... But Fat.

Booyah!

So I'm Back So Soon!

One Years, Birthdays and Funerals

Home Sweet Home

This That and The Other

Maureen

Book Hunt

Barrels, Missing Loo Roll and the guys

Well If You Forget That It Tastes Like Burnt Lemons...

It's Good to be Home

Phonecalls

Home Again

Train!!

All Alone...

It's Really Happening...

Sigh A Sigh of Relief

Killing Me Softly

Doubts

The New Me

Friends, Family and the Beach

Placement, Friends and TV

Bag of Emotions

Can You Give Us Five More Days?

It's Not Easy To Be Me...

tiptoes back in

fingers crossed

hangs head in shame