Already?!

Well today is the 25th of January and yet the constant whining or flailing over Valentine's Day has started.

I've never been into Valentine's Day - not because I'm usually single but because why oh why do you need a day set to remind the person you're dating that you're in love with them?! It's soft man - but now it's just another cruel reminder that Grandad's gone.

The sad part is I didn't even remember until I started seeing the posts everywhere. I know I've always treated it like any other day but now it's any other day that I lost my grandad on.

My question is, am I always going to see it like that?

What happens, say hypothetically, I finally do fall for someone that actually has a thing for Valentine's Day - trust me, I'd be that unfortunate - am I to expect them not to want to do anything because I lost my Grandad on that day when I was nineteen years old?

Holy shit, I don't even want to do anything on my birthdays any more because Grannie died the day before. I'm twenty-one this year and everyone is going to be expecting me to have a big shindig, a family get together or whatever but I won't want to. I'll be there wearing that brave smile while silently cursing them all for making me do it because, again, it's just another painful reminder that she's gone and it will be three whole years without her.

You move on, sure, but my mother still gets moody and sad when it's the anniversary of Nana's death and that was ten years ago! I'm sure if we were old enough to understand it back then then we'd be upset/moody to but... sigh.

I think what I'm really angry about is that it's nearly been a year and I still don't think it's hit me. I've not cried, I've not obviously missed him and I didn't even remember we're coming up to his year anniversary.

I suppose I should just see how I react on February 14th.